The possibility of us

Chapter 49

And there she goes. Went off home. I admit I am missing her already, but she needs this. We need this.

As a boy I believed that a faint heart can never win a fair maiden, a proverb said. I know I wasn't able back then, but I tried to be her hero. To everyone actually.  By doing so it destroyed me in the process.

Nobody told me to fit in, because Don Antonio accepts me for what I am. Mother and Father have confidence in my capabilities and Zhaira, she believes in me. I've given her advices that in time I needed for myself. I need to accept what I am and what I am not. I have to flow with time, not race against it. Zhaira is a troubled young lady, but she never pretended to be anyone else. Although she strive to be, she didn't pretend to be perfect. She knows she's a mess. Unlike me, trying my best to tell her I am the perfect guy for her. I end up almost killing one kid and devastate my future. So much for an angel they saw in me.

I was so crazy and deeply in love with an unsteady young mind. My love is strong, so strong it could break someone. It broke us apart.

When I left, I promised not to fall in love for anyone who resembles Zhaira. So when I met Liane, I courted her. I was so broken I pretended I was fine when I am not. Akala ko ayos na eh. Then I snapped, when I saw Zhaira again.

When I told Zhaira things had to stop, it was meant for me. I need to stop pretending that I love Liane and that I had forgotten all about Zhaira.I have to stop being unfair.

Zhaira is still struggling, but now I can see that she's being courageous. Years back, I left town to show her how life should be lived and it is filled with sacrifices and letting go. And she did. And I am so proud of her. Now is the time I should do the same.

I'm sure Zhaira had asked herself this. If we admitted the love we had for each other back then, will it change a thing? Will it save us from all those troubles? May be or maybe not. We were so afraid of our feelings. 

One thing is for sure, what's bound to happen will always happen. No matter what changes you make in your journey.

Anim na bwan na akong nandito sa barko. Nine month contract but I have to extend. Zhaira will be graduating soon and unfortunately, hindi ako makakapunta. But nanang will attend the ceremony. Pag may signal, tinatawagan ko si Zhai sa Skype. Swertenalang kung hindisiya busy. I miss her everyday badly. Not that I am complaining though. She's living her life, her purpose and I don't want to be a stumbling block again on her way.

That woman is my world and my stars. Nothing had changed. She still drives me crazy. In a good way.

People leaned on me. Don Antonio, Nanang and Zhaira. That made me think I am strong. But as time passes, it revealed my weaknesses. And accepting your weaknesses is one step of you wanting to be more capable and courageous.

Maybe one day soon, when God had made the man out of me. Pwede na.