Reign | b. blake | 4

12.

"You are my life."

       12.

3 days. 3 days have past since I lost the baby. 3 days of gut wrenching pain not only emotionally but physically as well seeing a my body is adjusting to the removal from 2 days ago. Bellamy is hurting so much and I hate seeing him in this state. He hides his emotions well but I see it in his face. I blame myself for all of this. Everyone always warned me to be careful and told me not to do certain things because of the baby but I'm stubborn and thought I could do everything I use to. But of course that wasn't the case. I was reckless when I decided to get into a fight with Illian. I don't really fault him, he didn't know I was pregnant. He was just trying to defend himself and although he did harm me a little more than what was necessary to defend himself, I don't blame him. It was all my fault.

I've been avoiding Bellamy, we still sleep in the same bed but sometimes I go to sleep early and he gets in late or vice versa. Our conversations are mostly that of things that need to be done around the ship. I hate it and I know it is my fault too but I just feel as if he blames me too. Which of course I can't blame him either, he was the main one telling me not to do things because of the baby. I never fucking listen though. I know he doesn't hate me, but I hate myself enough for the both of us. I don't know what to do with myself. My thoughts corner me every moment I'm alone and I now think that maybe it was better this way because I would've been a terrible mother. This itself proves it. But Bellamy, Bellamy would've been the best father and I took that from him. I love him more than anything and the fact that I hurt him makes all of this so much harder. Sometimes I think he's probably better off without me because I don't deserve his love. I don't know what I did to have it.

"Taylor, are you in there?" I hear a knock on the door and what seems to be Kanes voice. It was midday and I had just finished taking a quick nap on the couch. I came in here to rest a little because of cramping but I ended up falling asleep. Not that I was complaining, sleep means I don't have to deal with my thoughts for awhile. I clear my throat and sit up.

"Come in." I say. Kane opens the door and closes it behind him.

He takes a seat right by me. I'm a little confused as to why he's here. Maybe to tell me to get back to work.

"How are you feeling?" He asks. I'm tired of this question. Everyone knows so that's all anyone has asked me these past few days. How do they think I'm doing?

"I'm fucking perfect." He flinches at my tone and I sigh.

"I'm sorry. It's just that everyone keeps asking me that. I just lost my baby, I'm not doing okay." I say. This is more than I've talked in the past few days. Kane just has this calming and fatherly vibe about him that it's so easy to just talk to him. My dad tried to talk to me but he's been pretty busy with Abby and Jackson in the medical unit.

"Sorry, I just wanted to check on you. I know you're in pain now but give it time. You won't feel like this forever." He rubs my back.

"Feels like it." I run my hands over my face. I know I look a mess, I never care what I look like but recently my appearance has reached its lowest. My hair is always in my face and such an oily mess. I've seen the dark bags under my eyes too. I guess my appearance is fitting for how I feel.

"I know but it won't be like this forever. I promise. How's Bellamy?"

"He's hurting but he's so good at hiding it. I've been avoiding him."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want him to hate me. I'm giving him his space."

"Taylor, you both lost this baby. He doesn't hate you, you both need each other because only you guys know how this feels. He's in love with you, that ring on your finger proves it."