Married To Him BK1

The mistakes we all make pt.1

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*Inner Thoughts*

*We all make mistakes, we all accept that the pain exist; yet we accept the fact that it hurt us and to let it hold over us. We think that when the person we love hurts you it fine. Its better t be hurt that to be be alone. You never have to think twice about accepting their apology because you love them don't you?

WRONG!

But then again.... It wasn't his fault. He must have a reason right? or am I lying to myself saying that everything is gonna be alright and that it would be back to the way things were? No... There was no happy ending for us. There was no us to begin with. He hated the idea of the arrange marriage and I know I'm not the most attractive either and yet Jungkook accepted the proposal of the arrange marriage to make his parents happy; not because he loves me not because he wants me to be his its for the benefit of his parents and that alone.*

I was in a dark and gloomy mood, and it seemed that there was nothing there to cheer me up walking in the pouring rain. I was helpless. A naive and helpless woman that saw my husband - no... heard my husband cheat on me. But I know... its stupid to believe a random stranger's words that Jungkook would cheat on me.... 

But I did trust her, well not her words it was Jungkook's eyes that convince me. There was something about his eyes, there was regret. I saw it. I saw guilt. That was enough to sent me to the spiraling pain I'm in now. The lack of communication for the past few months intensified the situation. If only I did something to- No....

If only he did something to make it better. It was his decision to not talk to me. It was his choice to distance himself away from me. It was his fault. But there was a residing guilt building up inside me, maybe a voice telling that I'm also to blame. That I didn't do enough to improve it, not enough to voice out my problems. I'm also the reason that I'm unhappy. This is all true.all of it is true. The lack of affection and caring to the person we should love once married didn't exist. It never did. I know I haven't been with you for a year Jungkook but you have made my life go up and down like a roller coaster mentally, emotionally and physically. Why? what for? Do you enjoy to see me suffer?

I understand that I was forced to marry you and that you weren't even able to have a say and that I was the one that took your happiness away, I took the chance for you to find someone you really love and care for. I took that away. But do you you took the same thing away from me too?

I did actually thought you loved me once. And it was naive of me to think that. How was it even possible that you would even in the slightest way like me? I look at the reflection from the hazy streak marks on the clear window, over looking the grey-dull city.

The city noise that usually buzz in my ear now silently sits in the background, I couldn't feel anything. I was just an empty shell. I was just sat sullenly to the sofa chair looking out that city that I was once fond of but now resent. It was the city where my life ended. It was the city where I got hurt. It was the city where I met him. That was the city where everything changed. 

I can now hear the TV click, there was a hum but I couldn't respond. I thought I heard laughter from a joke I once know and always laugh at but I was unresponsive. I couldn't react. I simply let my mind drift through the grey scenery of the city. But I didn't take into consideration that there was another person in the room. I can feel his foot tapping and was agitated and I know he was anxious to see my reaction. I was silent from when he saw me from the monstrous city to his home. It's been at least an hour since I got to his home and I sat at the same place and had not moved more than an inch from where I've sat. I can tell he's worried and yet my body didn't move. My body wouldn't dare move- it was as like it was afraid it would shatter and turn to dust if I did. I couldn't speak for no sound came out my throat. It was just the background noise of the cold rain hitting the window, the silent seeming buzz of the city roar and the comedic Television was the only thing holding me back from drifting permanently. 

"Hey..." he said cautiously, "you feeling better?"

It took me a while to process what he said but at least he cared to ask, I turned to look at his cautious position- where he kept himself at a far enough distance not to annoy me but close enough to make me feel comforted. "I..."I began to think what my actual answer is, "I think I am." I watch his expression tense and slowly relax over a course of minutes. We sat again in silence. As I was about to turn my head to face the dull city he started saying things I didn't expect him to say-

"You know you don't have to put on anything in front of me. I know you long enough to know when you are not okay. I know who hurt you and even if I don't know anything I know for a fact that you were hurt again and that your doing that endless guilt trip you always do. And I swear to god if you are even considering yourself being at fault for you being in this situation, I really can't take it anymore! Leave him if you can't take it for Christ sake!"my eyes widened as his mouth got more words out of his mouth, and as my eyes widened my tears filled my eyes and clouded my vision. I couldn't look at him and so I looked at the floor and sat there silently. *He's right you know. The things he said made sense but it still hurt me. "Of course I'm right; I always make a point and it always made sense don't judge my knowledge"

"Yeah I guess it does... doesn't it?" I looked up, tears still in my eyes and smiled at him.

"I don't understand you sometimes.." he shook his head in disbelief. I looked at him confused and he pursed his lips and the crease on his forehead softened. "You somehow always seem to smile no matter how bad the situation nor how tired and hurt your feeling. You never seemed to change." I was about to say something but the doorbell rang which broke the light atmosphere.

Who was it?