before mimi

parents

Since I had just had Grayson 3 months ago, there was no sex. Ben was understanding, but not taking it very well.

When you push a baby out of your vagina, sometimes there's tearing. Thankfully mine was mild. But things down there still were still painful. It can take months to a year to fully heal.

"Babe" ben said coming up from behind. He slipped his arms around my waist and started sucking on my neck.

"Ben." I retorted starting to slip under his spell.

"Mhm?" He muffled against my skin. He was making his way to my collarbone and I was about to loose it.

"Nonono" I said breaking out of his grasp.

"We can't! "

"Why not?"

"Ben everything still hurts down there." I said a bit embarrassed. I didn't know how long it would be until I felt comfortable having sex again but I knew today wasn't the day.

"Okay okay I'm sorry. You never told me you still hurt" he said grabbing on to my arm. He pulled me into his chest and I couldn't look at him. I felt so...so dried up. I had a bit of sag in my stomach area, stretch marks on my titties, and some on my ass. My legs were still covered in my all natural stubble because I haven't had a chance to shave. I didn't feel hot anymore. Meanwhile ben ages like fine wine. He's probably hotter than ever with his stubble framing his face and chiseled features. I haven't been this self conscious since college.

"I..I am" I said lowly staring at my feet. He lifted my chin so I could look him in the eye. Those piercing blues stared back at me and I can tell he felt guilty.

"You're beautiful" he whispered now kissing the side of my face. I shook my head.

"No"

"Tinker" he warned never letting his eyes leave mine.

"You just birthed a human. Not any human, but my son, our son." He finished pulling me into him again.

He engulfed me with his huge arms and I settled into his warmth. We existed in the bliss silence until a little cry broke the air. I took a breath and broke away but Ben stopped me.

"You go lay down and I'll get him" he said dashing down the hallway before I could say anything. This was all happening so fast. I always wanted a baby, but now that I'm living the reality I feel as if I'm not even ready for this. Am I good mom? Am I going to be a good mom? Will he turn out okay? Am I doing everything I can to make sure he has what he needs?

So many questions going through my head I didn't notice ben standing behind me with baby gray in his arms. His chunk arms reached out for me and I gladly took him.

"Why arnt you laying down?" Ben asked now guiding me to our bed.

"I'm not tired Ben" I said squeezing grays cheeks. He started slobbering down his shirt but had this big smile plastered on his face. His little curls were ruffeled and his bright eyes stared back at me with all the joy in the world.

This is what I live for-this is who I'm here for. I have to pull myself together.

"Tina don't give me that you need to go rest" Ben fought with me. I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping- I'm always awake now, I can't fall asleep and when I do I wake up in an hour. All I have been doing is dreaming crazy dreams like when I was a child.

"Ben. Stop it I'm fine" I lied.

We walked down the hallway to our room as I held gray in my arms. I sat on the bed and lounged back while Ben climbed in on the other side. He cuddled up to me wrapping his arms around Gray and I. I take a deep breath and let my eyelids fall. He was right, I'm exhausted.ive been for quite some time.