The Challenging Path to Self Acceptance

3

I wish I could say that after the dream, everything just stopped. That my feelings ceased, that I still wanted a wife, and that everything was back to normal. However, I was taught to never lie. Everything got significantly worse after the dream. The dream opened my eyes and I realised that I had liked Fin, in anyway other than platonicly, way before I even realised it. Not only that, but, after the dream, my desire to run my hands over Fin's glorious thighs, and my unreasonable, yet desperate desires to be Fin's gym shorts, only intensified. To make matters worse, the dreams continued, and progressively got more frequent.

After about a month of nothing but almost naked Fin, I couldn't take it anymore. Every night, I prayed to God, asking him to correct me. I begged for his forgiveness, and promised to be perfect, better than I was before. All I wanted was for him to fix me, and make me like girls. For him to make my feelings towards Fin stop, and instead be directed to a good Christian girl. Every single night I prayed, but God never seemed to sway to my begging, or yield to my promises. I was stuck in this ever lasting punishment, and, eventually I realised that I could do something about it. I tried forcing the thoughts of Fin out of my head, leaving them behind where they belonged, but it was no use. I couldn't help it.

Over time, I began to take more pleasure in these dreams. I no longer felt as guilty or tainted about my thoughts, and I became less secret about my obsession for Fin's body. Until one day, in church, I was reminded that it was a sin. The next thing I did, at the time, seemed completely logical, and fully thought through, however it was, admittedly, not at all logical, and barely thought through. What I did, was take my Swiss pocket knife out of my desk drawer, and used it for the first time. Into the inside of my thigh, I carved, in scratchy letters, man shall not lay with man.

I didn't really register the pain, or entirely know what I was doing to be honest, until after the words were carved. When I saw what I had done, I felt a small twinge of regret, but I quickly forced it down, telling myself that I did what I had to do. I chose the inside of my thigh, because that seemed like the least likely place for someone to see the words. I would have to be careful for a little while, but, once the words started to heal and fade, no one would even notice. Then, as long as I was never able to forget that my feelings towards Fin were a sin, I would be able to push them down until they were no longer there. Simple.

< * >

My plan was flawless, nothing could possibly go wrong. Right? Wrong. Full blown, 100% wrong. I forgot to include the fact that Fin was perfect in every way, and that he and I were best friends. So, I mentally slapped myself when it was decided that Fin would be coming over to my house for dinner, and to stay for the weekend. Naturally, though, I was excited for the weekend to arrive.

At dinner, Fin and I sat next to each other on the left side of the table, my brother and his girlfriend on the right, and Mom and Dad at the ends. This was the first time any of us were meeting my brother's girlfriend, and Mom and Dad were excited. She was, as expected, a pretty Christian girl who was saving herself for marriage. Just as the lord intended. I mostly ignored the conversation at the table, as did Fin, and we both just ate our food. Mom and Dad kept asking the girl questions, and telling my brother that he did a good job. That's when I got it, a solution to my problem was sitting across the table from me. I had to get myself a girlfriend. Then it would all be ok.

The issue with my plan to get myself a girlfriend, was that I had no clue how. I had never had a girlfriend before, and I had never really tried to get a girlfriend before, so I was completely in the dark about the whole thing. Then there was the matter of what girl I would date. She would have to be a good Christian girl, just like the plan says, and I didn't know which girls at our school fit that description. I had, honestly, never really been interested in having a girlfriend, and still wasn't, but it was the only solution that I had. I decided that I would ask someone who most likely knew what to do.

"Hey Fin?" I asked softly into the darkness. 

"Yes Max?" Fin asked from beside me. He and I were both sleeping on my bedroom floor, because I didn't think I could handle sharing a bed with him, and he wouldn't sleep in the bed since it was my room.

"How do you get a girlfriend?" I asked.

"I don't know. Do you want a girlfriend?"

"Yeah. We're almost in high school. Shouldn't we be dating?"

"No, I mean, do you want a girlfriend?" Fin clarified.

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I?" I was getting a little bit nervous. Did he know? Does he hate me? Is he gonna tell me that I'm going to hell?

"Aren't you gay?" Fin asked, propping himself up on his elbows to look at me, confused. I just froze.

I had never actually said the word before. I had never thought it. I wanted nothing to do with it because it didn't describe me. Fin was wrong, and the plan that was set for me was right. The word wasn't even a word in my vocabulary, becasue there was no room for it in my life. When I realised that I still hadn't responded to Fin, who continued to stare at me, I propped myself up on my elbows too. I looked at Fin with an expression that was intended to convey disbelief.

"No. I'm not." I responded, trying to sound offended that he'd even ask. Fin raised an eyebrow at me and gave me a disbelieving look.

"Ok." He said, even though he didn't believe me, and layed back down to go to sleep. I soon layed down too.

"I'm not." I whispered under my breath.

I'm not that.

I'm not like that.

I'm not going to be described as that.

I'm not...

I'm not gay.