The Challenging Path to Self Acceptance

6

Michael and I continued with our stairwell make out sessions pretty much every day during lunch. Michael began to spend more time with Fin and I, and he seemed to consider us a couple, but we both had an unspoken agreement to keep our relationship a secret. From everyone. This actually wasn't as hard to accomplish as I thought it would be, because there was no doubt in my mind that if anyone would get suspicious of Michael and I, it would be Fin. However, he never asked about Michael spending more time with us, or about me never being at lunch.

Every time Michael and I would meet up, the first thing we would do was ask the other if they told anyone. I was worried about word getting out about us, and people finding out about my deep dark secret. I was terrified that if someone found out, then the truth would spread like wildfire, and that the second I walked through the doors to school, I would be shamed. I feared people telling me that I was going to go to hell because a boy liking other boys was wrong. Or other boys refusing to come anywhere near me, or refusing to let me into the locker room or bathrooms, because they were scared that I would try to kiss them. Or anyone at all refusing to come near me because they were scared that my preferences would rub off on them, as if it was contagious.

Michael frequently assured me that no one knew, and I assured him the same thing. After this exchange of confirmation was made between Michael and I, we would start our regularly scheduled make out session. I progressively became more comfortable with the concept of me liking to kiss boys. Michael seemed to be gaining more confidence with me too, and I found him begin to push a little further in our sessions. He began to do things like untuck my shirt and run his hands up it, or he would kiss my neck, or jaw, or something instead of my lips. Just small things like that.

I still frequently struggled with the fact that I liked boys instead of girls. I still prayed every single night that I would wake up the next morning and be repulsed by the idea of kissing another boy. But my prayers never seemed to be answered. By that point, however, I had pretty much accepted the fact that I was damned to hell. There was no denying it at that point. I had one job and I failed, and I would have to pay the price. I gave in to temptation when I was only thirteen, because I was weak. I beat myself up frequently for this, but no matter how hard I tried, I could not resist the pull of Michael.

Our relationship might not have been the healthiest relationship, considering the fact that we spent more time with our faces stuck together than talking. However, if I'm being honest, I wasn't with Michael because I liked him as a person, and I don't think that's why he was with me either. I think he and I just had a silent agreement that we both just liked to make out with each other. We were boyfriends, or dating, or a couple, or anything like that, but we were most certainly more than friends. That was it, there was nothing more to our relationship.

The thing is, I think the sessions with Michael really helped me. Upon making out with Michael, I realised that I could no longer pretend that I liked girls. I couldn't try to convince myself that it was just momentary dysfunction and that God would fix me soon. I still refused to believe that I was... that, but, at that point, I had no choice but to accept that I wasn't into girls, and probably never would be. I hated it, but there was no use in trying to change it anymore.

< * >

"Depression. It's something that a lot of people go through, including our children. Scientists say that it's caused by a chemical imbalance, but I think we all know the truth. It's God punishing you for your sins. We need to help our children stray away from sin, and therefore depression." My preacher stated. It was the same stuff I had heard tons of times before, but it was different this time.

I sat in church, my brother to my left, and Fin to my right. I still dreamt about Fin, not nearly as frequently as before, but it was still a regularly occurring thing. I still stared at Fin in the locker room, and had to restrain myself from acting out some of my dreams. I even found myself thinking about Fin during some of my sessions with Michael. I had a feeling that Michael knew about my thoughts and opions of Fin, but I don't think he really cared.

"There are seven sins that we must avoid at all costs. Seven deadly sins that will deliver us to darkness if we bend to their will. We must avoid lust. I know it's tempting, and I know that you kids out there will get urges, but you must resist them. We must stay away from greed. Others needs are greater than our own. We must resist sloth. You have legs, get up and use them. We must avoid wrath. Anger is a weed that we don't want. We must stray away from envy. What you have is good. Be weary of pride. Man is flawed. And don't bend to gluttony. You shouldn't get more of something that other people have none of."

The preachers words, once again, burned themselves into my brain. I had committed some of the deadly sins. I felt an overwhelming amount of lust for Fin. I envied other boys who knew who they were. I used to take great pride in myself. I had felt a wrath overtake me towards God for making me suffer through this everlasting punishment. I didn't focus through the rest of church. When we got home, I went up into my room, got out my knife, and carved into my thigh once again.

Lust
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Pride
Gluttony

I carved the words in a neat little column, right next to the inside of my thigh where man shall not lay with man was. I carved a thin line through the words lust, wrath, envy, and pride. The sins that I had committed. These carvings were going to be harder to hide than the other ones, but it would manage.