The Challenging Path to Self Acceptance

19

As time went on, I began to sell more and more copies of my book, and the social media accounts began to get more and more attention. Someone one day decided to share with me their story about the first time coming out, and the different responses they got for being gay. Next thing I knew, tons of people from every sexuality, and gender, began sharing their stories on all of the accounts. All of the accounts more or less just became places for people to talk to each other, and share their stories with other people. 

Then the next big shock that came to me was an image that someone posted on one of the accounts, of a picture that they drew. It was what they said was me, making a heart in front of my chest with my hands, and the heart was rainbow striped. Someone made some fanart of me, and I thought that was amazing. What was even more amazing, was that after the first person posted some fanart that they made, other people began posting some too. I then found myself looking at pictures that other people drew for a good majority of my day. The pictures were all varying in content, and in skill, but I loved them all.

I usually showed Michael and Fin the drawings that I found, and all of the ones that I really liked. All three of us found ourselves laughing at a little at this one comic strip that we found of me talking to Fin, then Michael walks by, so I just walked away from Fin in the middle of the conversation to chase after Michael with hearts around my head. It was cute, and I was glad to know that people liked Michael and I together, but I also found drawings of Fin and I as a couple, which made me a little uncomfortable, but I appreciated the thought nonetheless.

< * >

By time I had began my sophomore year at highschool, things had really changed for me. I had gotten used to all of the fanart, and attention, and positive reinforcement for writing the book. I had also learned how to deal with any of the negative reinforcement that I got from those who didn't like the book. There were a lot of people who were not ok with being gay, or ok with me encouraging others to be comfortable with their sexuality, and even some people who claimed to be ok with people being gay, but didn't like me 'teaching their kids to be gay'. It was hard for me to explain that it wasn't something that you teach.

However, Michael and Fin encouraged me to only focus on the positive stuff. That seemed easy enough to do I guess, since there was so much of it, but it was still pretty difficult for me to do. People said a lot of things that reminded me a lot of how I used to feel about myself. How I still did feel sometimes. This made it really hard to stay positive all the time. However, it was because of all of that negativity, that I began to think things over. I didn't want to feel as bad as I usually did, or as guilty about my past as I always felt, so I made a decision that I thought would help. 

"Hey Mom? Dad?" I asked Michael's parents tentatively as I snuck into the kitchen while they were cooking dinner.

"Yeah?" Mom asked back.

"Do you guys think that I could, maybe, get a tattoo?" I asked.

"A tattoo?" Dad asked, sounding surprised.

"Yeah, I've thought about it a lot, and I have everything all figured out." 

"Where, and what, were you thinking?"

"Some aztec kind of designs on, um..on my my legs." I said nervously, shifting my feet uncomfortably. Mom and Dad both looked at me with expressions that made me feel like I was fragile. They knew about the scars on my thighs, and seemed to automatically think that my decision was because of the scars, which it was, but I guess they wanted to be sure.

"Why on your legs?" Mom asked.

"To cover up my scars." I muttered.

"Sweetie, you don't have to do that." Mom cooed.

"I know, but I want to."

"Well, alright I guess. We'll have to start saving up money, but I think we can do that."

"I have my own money saved up that I can use."

"That's really not necessary." 

"I want to pay for it myself."

"Well, ok I guess."

< * >

So, I did end up getting my tattoos. It took a lot of hours, I had to take my pants off, and Mom and Dad had to stay in the room because I was underage, so it was awkward and uncomfortable, but I got it done. It was just aztec looking symbols and patterns that wrapped around the entirety of both of my thighs, then faded out as they got lower down my legs. I had considered getting them done in rainbow colors, but decided that just sticking with black ink was the best way to go, and I was very happy with the results.

"Are you happy?" Michael asked me on the drive home.

"It's kind of hard to sit, but yeah." I said with a chuckle and a genuine smile as I shifted, trying to keep my legs off of the seat. "Thank you Mom, thank you Dad. I really, really appreciate it."

"Of course sweetie." Mom responded with a happy smile.

"Don't worry about it." Dad added without taking his eyes off of the road. 

"Well I'm glad you're happy." Michael sad, scooting over in his seat so that he was sitting next to me, before lowering his voice as he grabbed my hand. "And personally, I find tattoos very attractive." 

"Keep it in your pants Michael." I chuckled, keeping my voice down too.

"Fine." Michael pretended to scoff and sound upset, but I knew that he was joking. I grabbed Michael's hand, and squeezed it tightly in my own, before leaning forward and giving Michael a quick kiss on the lips. When I pulled away, Michael smiled sweetly at him, and I smiled back, feeling happy at that moment in time. 

< * >

I had decided to get two more tattoos soon after the first ones had healed completely. I got a rainbow heart tattooed on the wrist of my left hand, and a quote tattooed at the top center of my back. It was something that my brother had said when he was fighting with our parents before I got kicked out. Something that I could never forget. It said, 'Gay people are not a plague on this world.' and it meant a lot to me. On my wrist, was a small heart with rainbow stripes in it, like the one in the picture that that one person drew of me so long ago. 

I was pretty sure most people would have thought that I was crazy for wanting the tattoos that I did, but they made me feel happy, and my friends understood, and that was all that was really all that important to me.