The Challenging Path to Self Acceptance

5

"Today, is September 11th. A day that we all remember, and grieve upon." My preacher stated. It was Sunday, so my family and I were at church.

"We all remeber what happened in New York 17 years ago, and ask ourselves why. Why did the twin towers fall? Why was the Pentagon hit? Why was this attack on our country made? Why were so many lives lost? It is times like these that we find ourselves questioning our god, and asking him why he let this happen. Let me answer that question for you.

"Rest assured that our lord makes no mistakes. Everything that happened, is happening, or will happen is because God wanted it to be so. He took the lives of many on this day, because it was their time. He had a plan for all of those souls, and they were born to die in the disasters of 9/11. Now don't get all testy eyed for all of those people, because there is no doubt in my mind that they were granted access into heaven, where they live with the divine ruling of our father.

"Let this day serve as a reminder to you, that everything is planned. Nothing happens on accident, and everything happens for a higher cause. God makes no mistakes."

That last sentence stuck with me. It beat on my ears, and bounced around the inside of my head until I could hear nothing else. Until I could feel nothing else. After a few mineuts of that one sentence taking over my mind completely, I had another thought. Just one other thought, that would end up changing the course of my life as I knew it. But what about me? I asked myself. If God made no mistakes, what was happening to me?

< * >

"What happened between you and Lola?" Fin asked me as we walked to the locker rooms for gym.

"She broke up with me." I shrugged.

"Why?"

"She stuck her tongue in my mouth. I didn't like that, and I told her so. Lola got upset, and broke up with me."

"Do you see what I've been trying to tell you now?" Fin asked as we walked to our lockers.

"About what exactly?" I asked, even though I was pretty sure I already knew the answer.

"You don't like girls." Fin stated matter of factly.

"Or maybe I just didn't like Lola." I said, kicking off my shoes.

"What about Britney? Would you let her kiss you?"

"No." I chuckled nervously. I wished that Fin would just drop the subject already. Fortunately for me, he did. Someone else who over heard us didn't though.

< * >

I was getting ready to head to lunch the day after Fin and I's conversation about Lola. I was stressed, and tired, and walking hurt becasue of the cuts on my thigh. Things were not going well for me at all, and it didn't feel like things were going to get any better. Was afraid to admit that Fin was right, I had no interest in girls, and honestly found that boys were more attractive to me. But I wasn't supposed to feel that way. I wasn't meant to feel that way. It was a sin, and I was raised to stay away from the temptation of sins. And, I had to admit, Fin was an incredibly tempting sin.

On this particular day in my life, things got a whole lot worse, but, at the same time, better for me. As I mentioned, I was on my way to lunch, when I felt a hand grab the sleeve of my sweater, and a boy, Michael, lead me away. I was honestly too tired to care enough to fight against him, or ask him what he was doing, so I followed along with him. Michael pulled me into a stair well that was meant to be a fire exit, and we walked down one flight of stairs before stopping on a landing. At this point, Michael let go of my sleeve, and I just kind of stared at him for a little bit.

"I over heard you and Fin talking yesterday." Michael eventually informed me.

"Heard us talking about what?" I asked in response.

"About what happened between you and Lola." Michael clarified. I tensed up, and inhaled sharply.

"Yeah? Why does it matter to you?" I asked, leaning against one of the walls, trying to look casual.

"Because I know that you like boys and not girls."

"No I don't. And even if I did, why would you care?" I snapped.

"Because I like boys too." Michael breathed, pressing himself against me, therefore pressing me against the wall.

My heart pounded in my chest with the force of a freight train as I was filled with anxiety. I was oddly shocked, though I don't know why, when Michael leaned in and pressed his lips against mine. I didn't know what to do, so I didn't do anything at all. Michael pulled back, and looked at me. His brows were furrowed in confusion and discouragement. He kept his hands on the wall on either side of my head as he looked down, embarased, and his cheeks flushed. I bit my lip, and looked away in thought. Since the first day in the locker room after the summer, Michael pinning me against a wall and kissing me was the first time I felt right. I felt like I was one step closer to where I was supposed to be.

My following thought process was exactly as follows. I don't like girls, and I didn't like Lola kissing me. I do like boys though, and I definitely like Fin. Michael kissing me felt good. It felt right. But it was wrong. But it felt right. I want him to kiss me again. I want to kiss back this time. But that's a sin. But I'm going to hell anyway now, so I suppose it doesn't matter.

With the last thought, I moved my hands so one rested on Michael's hip, and I gently placed the fingers of my other hand on Michael's jaw. I softly turned his head so he was facing me again, hope burning in his soft brown eyes. Michael leaned forward once more and kissed me again. This time, however, I kissed him back. Our lips moved together in sync as I tangled my fingers into Michael's blonde hair, and Michael grabbed my waist. He pulled me against him roughly, and I spun us around so that Michael was against the wall instead of me.

Michael slipped his tongue into my mouth, and, this time, I liked it. This time was nothing like it was with Lola. Lola tasted of cheap chapstick, but Michael tasted, oddly enough, like vanilla pudding. Michael and I pulled away, both needing to breathe. I rested my forehead against Michael's. Once he and I caught a good majority of our breath again, we rejoined for another kiss. Our make out session continued on just like that until we both heard the bell ring. Then, we both smoothed out our hair, and went to our separate classes.