The Challenging Path to Self Acceptance

18

Michael, Fin, and I all found the time to type out the entirety of my essay, changing a few things here and there, designed a cover for the book, sorted out all of the fancy details, and then we published the whole thing online. After we did that, I just kind of stared at the computer screen. It was pretty hard for me to believe that an essay that I wrote for a freshman class, could become an entire book that at least three people actually liked. It was a little surreal. 

Fin and Michael were very proud of me, as were Michael's parents, but I still wasn't seeing all of the appeal. Writing just wasn't something that I liked doing all that much, and writing a book was never something that I could see myself doing. But somehow everyone else could. Even a teacher who barely even knew me could see me as an author, and he was very proud of me when I showed him the book on his computer. He even ordered a copy to be delivered to him so he could read it whenever he wanted. 

Mr. Wittley began telling anyone he could about the book, and in almost no time at all, I had sold at least 10 copies of the book. Even then, it was hard for me to accept that I had written a book. But I had, and there was proof of it all over the place. Especially after the book began to get more attention. I never thought that kids my age would show any interest in reading any books that had anything to do with a kid who had trouble coming out of the closet, but they all ate it up. I couldn't go one day without seeing someone with a copy of the book.

Things didn't really begin to sink in though, until someone once came up to me with tears in their eyes, holding a copy of the book. They had bright blue hair, with black framed glasses, and they were wearing a black dress with combat boots. I was a little startled, to say the least, when this person ran up to me and started crying as they hugged me aggressively. 

"Can I help you?" I asked, trying to be polite as they let me go.

"You already have." They said, tears falling from their eyes.

"I'm afraid I don't understand."

"Oh, yeah, you must be confused. I'm Jesse, and I'm non-binary, which means that I use they/them pronouns."

"Ok.." I was still confused. 

"It was really hard for me to tell my parents, and my friends about my prefered gender and pronouns. I was so afraid of what they all might think, or say, and I only just recently told anyone. Your book inspired me to be brave, and tell those around me that I'm non-binary. Thank you so much for that." Jesse hugged me again as they ran their hand over their eyes to get rid of the tears. Then they left after having me sign their copy of the book, and I turned to Michael and Fin who were standing by watching the whole scene.

"What just happened?" I asked in disbelief. 

"You did something amazing is what happened. Can you imagine how many people you could help if they only knew about the book?" Michael said happily, feeling more excited than I was.

"I don't know. A few?" I said.

"More like tons. We need to get the word out about your book."

"How?" 

"We could start pages on social media, on any sight that we can." Fin suggested.

"Yeah, that would be great. You ok with that?" Michael asked me.

"Um, yeah I guess." So we did it. We created an account on all forms of social media to promote the book, and put a link to where people could buy a copy. Shortly after we did that, more copies began to be sold. 

< * >

I was so amazed by how many people wanted to buy the book, and I was even more amazed by how many students tracked me down and talked to me about it. Suddenly everyone knew my name, and knew who I was, and I had people from all grades giving me random hugs, or telling me thank you for what I've done to help them. I had people asking me for autographs, wanting pictures with me, or giving me presents, telling me that I was their hero. It didn't make sense to me.

"I - I don't understand." I said one night, sitting at the kitchen table of Michael's house with my laptop open, looking at the part of the screen where it said that I had sold over a thousand copies.

"Don't understand what?" Michael asked, setting the book he was reading down, and standing up from the couch to come stand behind me.

"This." I said, gesturing to the screen. "Why do people like this book so much? How have we sold so many copies? Why does anyone want to read anything I wrote? Why do people like this story so much? It just doesn't make any sense." The questions came quickly out of my mouth, along with a river of tears.

"Woah, hey, take it easy." Michael said soothingly as he crouched down beside me and took one of my hands in his. "Why doesn't it make sense to you?"

"Because why do they like me so much? I'm not special, or important. I'm not worth more than the next person, but they're telling me that I'm their hero. And why do they like the story so much? All of it was so hard for me to go through, and you know just as well as I do that I didn't go through it with grace and dignity, but people love my story so much, and they keep telling me about how strong and amazing I am." I cried.

"Max, you are important. People like you because you wrote a book that touches on the struggles that other kids are constantly facing. People like you because you took all of that pain and hurt that you felt, and you did something positive with it. And they don't like what happened to you, they like how you handled it, and how you rose above it."

"But I didn't rise above it, and I didn't handle it all that well."

"Yes you did. You turned your life around, and took action to make yourself feel better. That is a very hard thing to do. Most people who felt the way you did can't pull themselves out of it."

"But I still feel that way some of the time. I still can't think about the possibility of me dying because I am so terrified that I'll do to hell, and I still can't hear anything to do with religion without getting worried, heck, I can't even change my pants without being reminded of it all."

"But you don't feel that way all the time anymore, and you're still doing something about it. That is absolutely amazing!"

"That's why people like me?"

"That's exactly why people like you. You help them Max."

"And you help me." I smiled, leaning down and kissing the top of Michael's head.