The Challenging Path to Self Acceptance

10

After telling Michael, I knew I couldn't stop there. There was at least one other person that I had to tell, because he needed to know. I needed to tell Fin. Fin already knew, there was no question in that. As I've said, he knew before I did, and I knew that he'd be ok with it, and that it wouldn't change anything between us. However, I still felt as though I would feel more comfortable if I told Fin. So I did.

"Fin, I need to tell you something." I told Fin as I sat in the sat in the seat beside him in math. Fin put his finger up, telling me to wait a little bit while he finished reading the page he was on in his book. When he finished, he saved his place with a piece of paper, and gave me his full attention.

"What is it Max?" Fin asked. I looked around to make sure that no one was listening to us, then I leaned in close to Fin, and he did the same.

"I'm gay." I whispered.

"I know." Fin whispered back.

"Ok." Then class continued like it normally would. Admittedly, it was easier to tell Fin then it was to tell Micheal. I didn't know if it was because I had already said it once before, or if it was because I was significantly closer to Fin than I was to Michael. Either way, it was easier to tell Fin.

< * >

I felt more comfortable with myself after telling Michael and Fin that I was gay. It was almost as if all I had to do was say the magic words, and everything was all of a sudden better. It was like magic. But, every time I pulled down my pants for whatever reason, pink letters screamed at me, reminding me how bad I really was. How bad everything really was, and I struggled with it.The things that I struggled with were different than they were before though. After I told Fin and Michael, my thought process changed entirely.

Before, my main concern was trying to convince myself that I wasn't gay, and that I just liked kissing Michael for reasons that I just couldn't explain. However, my struggles were no longer about that. I was gay, and I liked kissing Michael because I was gay, and I felt the way I did about Fin because I was gay. there was no denying it at this point. However, I was still denying it. Not to myself of course, or to my only two friends, but to everyone else. No one else asked me if I was gay, or really seemed to question my sexuality, but by not telling them, I was lying. It's called a lie of omission when you leave out information, which changes the perception of the truth. Me leaving out the fact that I'm gay, changes the truth of who I am for everyone around me. My parents genuinely believe that I'm straight, and to them that's the truth, but they only think that because I've been lying to them for a while. So, I struggled with that.

another thing that I struggled with was religious related issues. Shocker. For the first time since i realised my feelings towards Fin, I wasn't so sure that I was going to hell when I died. Fin talking to me really made me think, along with one other very important fact that I neglected to see before. Michael was gay. I knew that Michael was gay since the first day that he kissed me in the stair well, it was obvious. However, I never stopped to think about the fact that I thought i was going to hell for being gay, and that Michael was gay too. This gave me some perspective, because there was never any doubt in my mind that Michael was going to heaven when he died. But he was gay. He was one of the purest people that I had ever meant, which was actually rare for a kid in eighth grade, and he deserved nothing but the highest form of happiness when he died. But he was gay.

So the question I found myself pondering on a lot of the time was, does it really matter? I was raised to follow the commandments because not doing so would be a sin, and being gay was against the commandments. So, logically, being gay would mean that you were sinning, and so you would go to hell. But does it really matter? Shouldn't where I go when I die be determined by who I was as a person during life, and not by who I loved? Shouldn't someone like Michael have a special place in the clouds waiting for them because they are extraordinary people during life, despite their sexuality?

I never found myself wondering where Michael would go when he died, because I always thought nothing but the best of him, despite the fact that he was gay. So, if it didn't matter for him, why would it matter for me? Why would I be thrown in hell for being gay, no matter what type of person I was, but Michael get to go to heaven? This caused me to do a ot of thinking. I didn't like the idea of Michael going to hell because that wouldn't be fair to him, and he deserves better than that. So when I did my best every darn day to be the best person I possibly could be inside and out, it didn't make since to me that I would deserve anything less than the best either.

I always found myself striving for perfection, and did my very best to reach it. I was physically fit and active, I was smart, I got good grades, I was grateful for every meal I got, I was kind to every person I met, and I prayed every night. I was every parents dream kid, and I continued to better myself on an almost daily basis. So, how on earth would it be fair for me to go to hell just because I'm gay. But that's just it. It wouldn't be fair at all. So the question remained, does it really matter?