The Challenging Path to Self Acceptance

7

It had been a month since I carved the seven deadly sins into my thigh. No one saw the words, and if they did, no one said anything. Things didn't change much with Fin. I still had the same feelings towards him, and I still resented my feelings towards him. The only difference was, the feelings got stronger, and a lot harder to fight back. I eventually, found myself trying desperately to satisfy my feelings towards Fin, with Michael. Other than that, the only thing that really changed between Michael and I, was that Michael was more touchy feely towards me in public. It bothered me a little bit, because I was worried that someone would put the pieces together and figure things out. However, I decided not to say anything about it.

"So what are you doing this weekend?" Michael asked me during gym one day.

"I don't know. On Sunday I'm going to church, but, I don't have any plans other than that." I replied.

"Is that how all of your weekends go?"

"Usually yeah."

"You should have me over sometime. I'm free this Saturday."

"Yeah." And that's how I ended up pretty much inviting Michael to my house for the weekend. In all honesty, I couldn't figure out how Michael had been invited to my house, until he showed up on Saturday. At that point, I just kind of squinted at him while I thought about why he was there. When I remembered our conversation, I let Michael inside and closed the door behind him.

Michael and I had lunch first, after I showed him around, then we went up to my room. We decided to play a board game, upon the realisation that we had nothing else to do. Michael wasn't the biggest fan of reading, apparently, and my family didn't have a TV. So we played a board game. In the end, Michael won, and he looked at me with a smug grin. I simply smiled, told him good job, and placed my hand on his knee in a form of congratulations. Michael's grin turned into a soft smile as he placed his hand on top of mine, which still rested on his knee.

"Thanks." He said. "It was fun."

"Michael, let's face it, board games are not that fun." I chuckled.

"Yeah, but, hanging out with you is."

"Yeah, ok." I chuckled again. Then it got quiet, very quiet. Next thing I knew, Michael had his lips on mine. I, of course, didn't fight him, or stop him. I kissed Michael back, just like I would during school.

As Michael kissed me, Fin flashed into my mind. I kissed Michael harder, wishing he was Fin. I pushed my tongue into Michael's mouth, and tangled it with his. Michael moved so that he was in my lap, straddling my hips. The entire scene was so familiar. I had been in this same situation with Lola, but it was way different this time. This time, it was with someone who I enjoyed kissing. I placed my hands on Michael's hips, pulling him roughly against me. Michael grabbed two handfuls of my shirt, and untucked it for me. He didn't stop there though.

Michael slid his hands up my torso and pulled my shirt off over my head. Michael ran his hands over my waist, and up to my chest. Then he moved them back down to my waist. Michael then pulled away from me and pulled his own shirt off over his head. Michael leaned back in to kiss me passionately for a little bit, before pulling away once again kissing my neck. While he did that, his hands trailed down my stomach until they found my belt buckle. I breathed deeply as Michael undid my belt. I didn't want to do that, but, I let Michael undo my pants, figuring that there was no harm in that. After unbuttoning my pants, Michael moved to unbotton his, but, since my hands were on his waist anyway, I took over for him. I, honestly had no clue what I was doing, and just trying to copy Michael, because he seemed to understand.

My breathing and my heart rate rose once again as I watched Michael slip his pants off of his legs. Michael dropped his pants onto my floor, and began to kiss me once again. I thought of Fin as I ran my hands down Michael's waist and down to his thighs. I held onto Michael's legs tightly, still thinking about Fin as I shoved my tongue roughly into Michael's mouth. Michael's hands found the waist band of my pants, and he began to pull them off of me. It wasn't until my pants were off of me completely and out of my reach, that I remembered what marked my thighs. I sat up straighter as Michael froze, looking at the pink scarred letters on my legs.

"What is this?" Michael asked gently touching the words good boys stick to the plan with his fingers. I flinched slightly, and looked away, biting my lip.

"Max?" Michael asked, and tears began to drown my face.

"Hey, don't do that." Michael pleaded as he wiped the tears off of my cheeks, but they just kept coming.

"I'm sorry." I sobbed, and Michael pulled me into a hug. I rested my head against his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist, desperately needing a hug.

"Shhhh." Michael whispered, and I felt him place a kiss on the top of my head. I sniffled, and took a deep breath, then tightened my hold on Michael.

"I - I need to remind myself that how I feel is wrong. I shouldn't like kissing you, a - and I keep forgetting that it's wrong." I sniffed, trying to explain.

"Why shouldn't you like kissing me?" Michael asked, and I felt him reaching behind me, and I was suddenly engulfed in the warm softness of my blanket.

"Because it's a sin. I'm going to hell when I die."

"I can understand why you believe that, but it's not true." Michael hugged me closer, and wrapped my blanket tighter around us. I pressed my face further into Michael's chest, honestly feeling like I just needed a hug.

In fact, I did just need a hug.