The Challenging Path to Self Acceptance

9

"I've been spending every lunch with Michael since Lola and I split up." I confessed, looking at the floor.

"And?" Fin asked, knowing that there was more to the story.

"And we've spent every lunch making out." I mumbled, but I knew that Fin heard me. Tears began to well up in my eyes. I thought Fin would hate me.

"Why are you so uncomfortable with telling me this? I thought you knew that you could trust me. Have I been a bad friend?" Fin asked. I looked up at him in disbelief.

"That's what you're concerned about? You don't care that I'm going to hell when I die? Or that I'm gonna drag people down with me? You've been an amazing friend Fin, but, don't you hate me?" I asked, tears pooling down my cheeks.

"What? Max, you're not going to hell when you die, and you're not taking anyone with you. Why would you think that, and, why on earth would I hate you?" Fin asked.

"Because I'm a sinner. Man shall not lay with man. Doesn't it bother you?"

"Of course not. You're not going to hell Max. And you're not a sinner. You're a good person who tries his damn best every single day to be the ideal Christian child. You are a beautiful person who will most certainly go to heaven when you die. Who you like to kiss doesn't change that."

"Yes it does. I'm a man who likes to kiss men. That's a sin. It doesn't matter what kind of a person I am, because I'm sinning every time I kiss Michael." I put my head in my hands and cried even more. Fin draped his arm over my shoulders and held me against him.

"Max? Can I see what you carved into your thighs?" Fin asked gently.

"Its just words." I said, my voice muffled by my hands.

"What do they say?" Fin asked.

"There's four different ones. They say man shall not lay with man, good boys stick to the plan, going to hell, and the last one just lists off the seven deadly sins, with sum of them crossed out."

"Max." Fin said, very concerned for me as he pulled me into a hug. Michael came over and sat on the other side of me, and hugged me too. It's weird, I never realise how badly I really need a hug until I'm receiving one. And believe me, I really needed this hug specifically.

<*>

After that day in the locker room, things seemed to get almost better. I was feeling a bit more comfortable with my feelings towards Michael, and Fin, once I knew that I had Fin's support. He didn't treat me any differently than he had, with the exception of a few random hugs, smiles, or comforting pats, and that's all I could ever ask for. The thing is, I think Fin knew before I did. When I first asked Fin how to get a girlfriend, he wouldn't help me because he was certain that I liked boys instead. He even went as far as to call me gay.

Gay.

Gay.

I thought the word over in my mind. I turned it upside down, flipped it onto it's side, looked at it from every possible angle until it just sat there in the front of my mind, taking up all the space in my thoughts until I couldn't think of anything else. The word consumed me. It swallowed me whole and proceeded to turn me around at all kinds of angles just like I hade done with it. I was flipped around and thrown every which way until I no longer knew who I was, or which way was up. When the word eventually spit me back out, I felt like I could literally feel something snap in my brain. I felt like there was a lot of tension in my head, and then, complete with a sound that was a mixture between a pop and a thud, I felt as though my entire brain shifted, and something snapped. Suddenly, everything made sense. Suddenly I was a whole new person, and I felt very different, but, at the same time, I was exactly the same. It was the strangest feeling.

I had no clue what my next step in time should be. What on earth was I supposed to do with my new found understanding of myself and, seemingly, the world around me. I felt like I needed to tell someone, but I didn't know who. I considered my parents, but they wouldn't handel it well. My next thought was Fin, and I knew that he would be understanding. However, Fin was not the first person I told, because there was someone else that I had to tell first.

"Michael. I-I gotta tell you something." I stuttered nervously. Michael and I met up for our regularly scheduled make out, but I had to talk to him first. Michael nodded and sat down on a step, giving me his full attention. I would have sat down next to him, but I was far too nervous to do such a thing.

"What is it?" Michael asked in a friendly manner.

"I-I'm...I'm g-gay." I mumbled, fidgeting quite a bit. Michael looked fairly amused and raised an eyebrow at me.

"Max, I know." He said with a slight chuckle. I just blushed, and continued to fidget. I looked down at my feet, and tried to ignore the fact that Michael was standing up and took a few steps until he was right in front of me. When I could no longer ignore the fact that Michael was right in front of me, I looked up at him, and made awkward and uncomfortable eye contact.

"I already knew, but I'm glad that you felt comfortable enough to tell me." Michael smiled, and, with that, he pulled me into a tight hug. I, without hesitation, wrapped my arms tightly around his waist. Michael held me close, and didn't show any signs of ending the hug any time soon, but I didn't mind one bit.