The Challenging Path to Self Acceptance

4

Fin was absolutely no help in my quest to get a girlfriend. He still believed that I didn't want to be dating a girl, so he more or less refused to help me. I was getting a bit frustrated, because I didn't know what to do. Getting a girlfriend was the only hope I had at putting a stop to whatever was happening to me. I continued to pray, and wear my cross. I made a conscious effort to stop myself from staring at Fin in the locker room, and thinking of him everywhere else. However, the dreams continued, and so did the feeling that exploded throughout the entirety of my body everytime Fin looked at me, or I looked at him. So what other hope did I have?

"You had a girlfriend last year. How did you do it?" I asked, continuing to pester him into helping me. Fin sighed in frustration, and I knew that I had won.

"Will getting a girlfriend help you realise that you don't like girls?" He asked. I had gotten used to his insisting that I liked boys by this point.

"If I say yes will you help me?" I asked in return.

"Yes."

"Then definitely."

"Then I'll help." Fin sighed. I smiled. So the quest to get me a girlfriend had officially begun. However, it went a lot quicker then I had expected.

< * >

I was eating lunch alone a few days after Fin agreed to help me, wondering where he was. Fin had never left me to eat lunch alone. Suddenly, Fin showed up and placed his tray of food at the seat across from me. Soon after Fin sat down, a pretty girl sat beside me, and smiled fondly at me. I just looked at her in surprise for a little bit, before she explained herself.

"Fin here said that you were looking for a girlfriend, and that I was the ideal person to fill the position. So here I am." She said confidently. I had been going to school with her since kindergarten, so I knew who she was. Her name was Lola, and she was pretty cool.

I nodded in understanding, before hesitantly grabbing Lola's hand and holding it in my own. Then the three of us proceeded to eat our lunch in silence.

< * >

Lola moved quickly in the relationship. First she was my girlfriend before I even knew what was happening. After that, she invited herself over to my house on Saturday, and I just shrugged, agreed, and told my parents. That Saturday was pretty normal I guess. We just cuddled on my couch and talked a bit until Lola had to go home. The week after that was pretty average and uneventful too. However, when Lola came over the next weekend too, things got a little more intense.

Lola and I were hanging out in my room, both of us reading books, when, suddenly, Lola kissed me. I decided to roll with it, and kissed her back. I didn't really enjoy the kiss all that much, but I figured that was normal for a first kiss. I guess Lola liked it though because the next thing I knew, Lola had discarded her book, and was straddling my hips in between her legs. I set my book down too, and placed my hands on Lola's hips. She was definitely more into the make out session than I was, but I decided to just continue rolling with it. Pretty soon, I felt Lola slip her tongue into my mouth, and tangled it with mine. It didn't like this a whole lot, in fact I didn't really like it at all. However, to my own disappointment, I continued to let Lola do whatever she wanted, and pretended to play along.

That is, until a thought entered my mind before I could even begin to stop it. Boy, I wish that this was Fin in my lap and his tongue in my mouth I thought. I immediately sat up straight, and broke the kiss between Lola and I. She looked at me, confused by my shaken expression. I felt as though the words that I had carved into my thigh were burning through my skin. I could see every word firmly imprinted in my mind, and feel every letter on my thigh.

"Max?" Lola asked.

"I-I didn't like that." I muttered, to afraid to look at Lola.

"What?"

"I didn't like that."

"Well, fine." She was angry. "I'm leaving. We're through." With that Lola got up and left.

I didn't feel that upset about us breaking up. Not at first at least. It wasn't until I realised that I just let a good Christian girl walk out the door. I felt like she was the only shot I had at getting back on track, and sticking to the plan. Then it hit me that Lola and I broke up because I wanted to be making out with Fin, and not her. This thought, caused my to sit on my bedroom floor and sob for what felt like hours. I didn't understand why this was happening to me, or why I was being punished. I wracked my brain trying to figure out what I had done to deserve this punishment. I tried so hard to be a good person, and a good Christian, yet, somewhere along the way, I had failed.

After I had cried myself out completely, I took a small nap on my floor, the carpet imprinting on my skin. When I had woke up, I pulled my pocket knife out of my drawer once again. I then sat on my bed, and began to carve into my thigh once again, putting all of my focus into each letter, trying to make it perfect. Good boys stick to the plan I carved. I watched a little blood leak from some of the letters. I sighed, put my pocket knife away, then flopped down on my bed. My eighth grade year wasn't going well so far.