The Challenging Path to Self Acceptance

8

Michael never said anything about what he found on my thighs, or what happened at my house. He didn't really act all that differently towards me either. He would give me an occasional pat on the shoulder, or knee, or he would hug me at random times. This made me nervous of anyone who might see, but, I can't lie, I loved hugs. I loved Michael's hugs. He was soft, and warm, and squishy. Our make out sessions ended up toning down, and became less intense, but they were still every day. It was just part on my daily routine.

My routine also consisted of me trying desperately to avoid church. I found that nothing good came out of church anymore, and I no longer wanted to go. I tried making every excuse to not go, but none of them ever worked. I really did try though. However, I always ended up at church every Sunday. For a few weeks, I managed to tone everything out at church, and nothing bad happened. However, one day, my attention was held hostage by my priest, almost against my will.

"Weakness." He boomed. "Weakness is what happens when you sin. If you can not resist temptation, it is because you are weak. If you are weakened by temptation, you are damned, and will burn when you die. This is God's will. This is God's way. The only real way out there. If you are strong, and can live away from the temptation of sin, you will be granted access unto the heavens where you will be greeted by god himself with open arms. So stay strong. Don't give up, don't become weak, or you will be cast unto darkness, and fire upon your death." I listened intently as my priest spoke. I wanted to tune him out, and go back to noth paying attention at all, but I couldn't. I had already started listening, and couldn't just stop. So, I continued to listen.

"Those who are strong, and those who are pure get to go to heaven. Those who are weak, and those who sin will go to hell when they leave this world. You must fight to be strong, and good. Good people are strong, and live their whole lives away from sins. Bad people are weak, and give into the temptation, and the sin. If you sin, you are a bad person. That's the way it has always been, and will always be. That is God's way." As I'm sure you can imagine, I wasn't ok when I went home that day. I was so not ok, in fact, that I, once again carved into my leg.

I locked myself in my room, and carved going to hell in my leg, right next to good boys stick to the plan. Looking back on it all now, none of it makes since. Back then, I understood fully why I was carving into my skin. Now, I don't understand at all. I'm not proud of what I did, and I wish that I hadn't done it. Every time I see my legs, no matter how faded the words are, I regret what I did.

< * >

I was changing out for gym, and moving slowly becasue I was tired, and wasn't in a hurry to get on with gym class anyway. I was sitting on the bench as I began to put my shirt on. When I poked my head through the shirt, I saw Fin quickly look away from Michael, and look at me instead. When Michael saw me looking at him suspiciously, the looked at the ground.  I focused my attention back on Fin, who was still staring at me. More specifically, he was staring at my thighs. My legs were a little open, so I quickly closed them tightly, and looked away from Fin.

I bit my lip, and tried not to cry as I knew that Fin had seen, and that Michael had told him where to look. I felt betrayed, and scared, and sad that my life had come to this point. I took a deep breath and began to pull my shorts out of my locker. By that point, Fin, Michael, and I were the only ones left in the locker room, so I knew that something was about to happen. And it wasn't going to be something good. Before I could even begin to pull my shorts on over my legs, Fin sat down on the bench next to me. I froze, unable to look at him, and unable to do anything but low key panic.

"Max?" Fin asked gently.

"What?" I asked rudely in return, not even knowing what to do.

"What is that?" Fin asked, nodding to the inside of my thighs.

"Nothing." I replied, closing my legs tighter together.

"Max, are you ok?"

"I'm fine."

"Max," Fin placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, causing me to look at him. "I'm worried about you. You haven't been at lunch, we haven't talk a whole lot lately, and you're carving into your thighs. Please talk to me."

"I'm fine. I've been busy during lunch, there's not much to talk about, and my legs are fine."

"What have you been doing during lunch?"

"Noth-" I started to answer Fin's question, but I was interrupted.

"He's been with me." Michael said, interrupting me. I turned to him and glared at him, reminding him of the terms of our make out sessions. Fin looked to Michael and furrowed his brows for a little bit before his eyes widened in understanding and surprise. Then he looked back to me with the same expression.

"Max. You know you can tell me these things right?" Fin asked softly.

"There's nothing to tell." I snapped.

"Yes there is. Don't lie to him Max, it's time to tell Fin the truth." Michael said, looking at me with a stubborn face. I glared back at him, trying to let him know that he hurt me.

"Come on Max. You can tell me." Fin said honestly. I sighed, knowing that I had lost and if I didn't tell Fin, Michael would. I grabbed my gym shorts off of the floor and pulled them on before sitting back down.