The Challenging Path to Self Acceptance

16

My stay at Fin's house was only temporary, but I was eternally grateful to him. He took me into his house, shared his food, and everything else he had, and I could give him nothing in return. Nothing that he could use anyway. I was only at his house for a few weeks before arrangements were made for me to move in with Michael. Was this a little inappropriate? Yes, it most definitely was. However, Fin didn't want me living at his house for too long because his home life wasn't very good, I needed somewhere to stay, and I didn't plan on having sex with Michael anyway.

Michael's parents happily welcomed me into their home, and let me have the guest bedroom. They told me to make myself at home, and that their home was my home now. However, I didn't make myself at home, and I didn't intend to. I was determined to not be a burden on Michael's family, and that meant that I couldn't get too comfortable at Michael's house. So, the second I was able to, I got myself a job.

My first night at Michael's was interesting to say the least. I met his parents, ate dinner with him, relaxed as he unpacked my stuff himself, just like he insisted, and took a shower. The shower felt like the first one I had in years. It felt like I finally had the chance to try and wash everything away. I was still trying to deal with getting disowned for being gay, and changing houses a bunch, and a nice hot shower really helped me relax. In fact, I was so busy focussing on the hot water dumping over my body, that I barely heard the sound of the bathroom door opening, and I hardly heard the sound of the shower curtain sliding open, then closed again. However, I most certainly did register the feeling of a pair of arms wrapping around my waist, a chin resting on my shoulder, and a body pressed against my own.

I leaned back into the person who was holding onto me, already knowing that it was Michael, and I placed my hands on top of his. Michael turned his head, and placed a kiss onto my neck, before hugging my tighter, and settling his head back on my shoulder. I turned my head and placed a gentle kiss on his temple, and then rested my forehead against his head. Michael and I just stood there like that for a little while, letting the hot water from the shower wash over us.

"How are you feeling?" I heard Michael ask softly against my shoulder.

"Better." I responded quietly.

"Right now or just in general?"

"Both."

"Do I have something to do with that?"

"You have everything to do with it. You, Fin, and your family."

"Well, we care about you."

"I can never repay you guys for all that you're doing for me."

"Max, you're happiness, safety, and well being is payment enough. We don't expect anything from you in return."

"I love you Michael." I said very softly.

"I love you too Max." Michael replied, and we both turned our heads so that we could join in a kiss. This kiss wasn't like any of the other ones. This one wasn't full of lust or hunger, even though were were both naked in a shower, with our bodies pressed against one anothers. This kiss was sweet, and pure. It was the kind of kiss that made fireworks explode in your stomach, and the kind of kiss that you read about in a book and wish with every fiber of your being that it could be real. 

We pulled apart, I turned around in Michael's arms, and wrapped him into a tight hug. Michael seemed a little caught of guard at first, but he wrapped his arms around me all the same. I absolutely loved hugs, especially ones from Michael, but this one made me cry. Michael rubbed soothing circles into my back, and kissed the top of my head repeatedly, trying to help me calm down. 

"You're going to be ok." Michael whispered softly.

"It doesn't feel like it." I whispered back.

"I know it doesn't, and that's ok. However you're feeling right now is ok."

"I don't know how I feel though. I'm scared, and sad, and angry. But I'm also grateful, and relieved, and I feel kind of free too."

"Those are all important, and valid emotions for you to be feeling. I know that things are tough for you right now, but you will feel better."

"When?"

"Whenever you decide." 

"Thank you."

"No problem." 

Michael and I got out of the shower soon after that, and got dressed. Well, we put on our boxers at least. Michael told me that I could stay with him in his room for the night if I wanted to, and I was happy to take him up on that offer. That night was nice, for the most part at least. I forgot to remember that I had carved another word into one of my thighs. I carved the word faggot into my thigh, right next to the seven deadly sins. Michael was not happy with me, but he didn't chew me out about it, or yell at me, or anything like that, but he did tell me that I needed to stop carving into my skin. 

My sleep that night felt like the first sleep that I had had in years. I was cuddled up to Michael, using his chest as a pillow and his arms as a blanket. I miraculously slept for the entire night, and didn't wake up until well into the afternoon. I felt like I had recharged my batteries or something, because when I woke up the next day, I felt like I had more energy in me, and I felt like I might actually be able to be ok in the future. I felt genuinely happy, and hopeful for my future, and I used that energy to do something positive. 

I used that energy to turn things around for me.