The Challenging Path to Self Acceptance

2

I didn't tell anybody about what happened that day in the locker room. I didn't tell Fin how I had felt, or tell my mom anything that would even hint that something was different. But everything was different. I began to see Fin in a whole new light, and I took guilty pleasure in watching him change for gym. I wasn't always obvious about my staring, but I was always staring. I felt like it was impossible not to, and I could never take my eyes off of Fin.

I began to loose sleep. I would lay awake at night thinking about how badly I wanted to be the cross that Fin kept close to his chest. Or how desperately I wanted to be the shorts that Fin pulled over his legs. Over his rear. I also thought about how I wanted, more than anything, to run my hands over Fin's legs. To feel his skin below my hands. To hold onto his hips like I would never let go, and then never do. I thought about how badly I wanted Fin to do the same to me. I could practically feel the goosebumps that would rise from my skin at his touch.

I hated these thoughts. They made me feel broken, and wrong. Like I should be locked away, or punished because these thoughts were unholy, and unnatural, and wrong in everyway shape or form. But I couldn't stop these thoughts. Fin eventually became the centure of my universe, and I found myself hating the fact that I loved these thoughts, more than I hated the thoughts. Nothing else seemed important to me after that day in the locker room, but, eventually, I fell asleep before I even knew I was tired.

< * >

I was in the locker room one day, changing out, and watching Fin do the same out of the corner of my eye. Neither one of us talked to each other, but the silence between us wasn't awkward, and didn't hang thickly in the air. It was actually comfortable, and I didn't really want to say anything, becasue I didn't want to break the silence. The silence was soon broken, but not by me.

"Remember the first time you and I had a sleep over?" Fin asked me.

"Yeah." I chuckled lightly. "It was last year, on your birthday."

"Yeah. We acted out bible scenes for my family." Fin laughed, and I laughed too.

"We were so bad at that."

"We really were. It was fun though. Then we had to share my bed because there was no where else for you to sleep."

"Yeah." A fond smile grew across my face at the memory. "We should do that again sometime."

"I think so too. I really liked that. I really like you." Fin told me almost casually. At this point, I was completely undressed, and was pulling my gym clothes out of my locker.

"I like you too. That's why we're best friends." I said happily, warmed by the thought of my best friend.

"No, I like you in a different way." Fin said. I furrowed my brows at this, and shoved my clothes into my locker, then locked it, before standing up.

"What do you mean?" I asked as I turned around.

Upon turning around, I found that Fin was standing directly behind me, at a very close distance. My breath hitched in my chest as I looked up at Fin, who was taller than me. I tried to step back a little, only to find my bare skin pressed against the cool metal of the lockers. However, at the time, it didn't occur to me to even register the cold. Fin was looking down at me with a look that I had never seen before upon his face. It was how I often looked at him though, and I never thought he would look at me the same way.

"I think you know what I mean." Fin said in a voice that, alone, caused me to fall into a daze. I was ripped out of my dads, however, by the feel of fingers gently grazing each of my hips.

Goose bumps emidiately rose out of my skin, and my breath seemed to hitch more. Soon, the entirety of Fin's hands were resting on both of my hips. Fin wound his hands a little ways around my hips, so that his fingers were more on my back than my hips. Next thing I knew, Fin pulled me into him. I let out a gasp, and ended up gripping onto Fin's arms. I never tore my gaze away from Fin's eyes, but I almost winced at the feeling of my cross being pressed into my chest. I was so close to Fin that I could feel his cross too, and it are me feel guilt once again.

Everything slowed down yet again as Fin leaned forward a little bit. I saw Fin begin to close his eyes, and I closed mine too. Soon, a fire erupted in my chest as I felt a pair of soft lips against my own. I immediately kissed Fin back, loving the feel of his lips against mine. Pretty soon, I found myself holding onto Fin for dear life, as I felt him slide his tongue into my mouth. I responded immediately, pushing myself closer against Fin, desperate to make this moment last. Then I realised, I could do the one thing I had wanted to do since the first day in the locker room.

I moved my hands off of Fin's arms, and reached them as far down as I could. I placed my hands on each if Fin's thighs, and ran my fingers up the sides of his legs. Fin pulled away, breathing deeply, trying to catch his breath. I looked up at him, and smiled, continuing to run my fingers slowly up the dark skin of Fin's legs.

"I've wanted to do that since sixth grade." Fin breathed

"I probably would have let you." I chuckled, trailing my hands up Fin's hips, before resting them on his waist.

"Max." Fin said in a voice that was both his own.

"Yes?" I asked, ready to cling onto every word out of Fin's mouth.

"Max." Fin said more insistently in a female voice.

"What?" I asked, confused.

"Max!" Fin said and I felt him begin to shake me. I quickly sat up, finding that I was in my bed back at my house. It had been a dream. I looked up and found mom dressed in her best Sunday dress, ready to go to church.

"Get dressed sweetie. We have church today." My mom cooed. I nodded, still confused and dazed as my heart pounded in my rib cage.

"Are you ok? Did you have a nightmare?" Mom asked.

"Something like that. I'll be fine." I breathed, running a hand through my blonde hair. Mom gave me a sympathetic smile, and cupped my cheek in her hand before leaning forward and placing a delicate kiss on the top of my head.

"Get dressed." She said happily as she patted my cheek lightly and stood up.

"Yes ma'am." I sighed as Mom left. I breathed deeply then flopped back onto my pillows, my hearts still pounding in my ears, before getting up to get dressed.