The Challenging Path to Self Acceptance

13

I felt my eyes go wide, and I knew that all color had drained from my face. I froze for a moment, and silently panicked. This was it. This was the moment where my family would figure out that I was gay. My brother would tell my parents, and they would damn me to hell, or disown me, or both. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for what was going to happen, then I coughed awkwardly, and nodded.

"Yeah." I said as I continued to nod my head. All of a sudden, I felt tears fill my eyes until they were spilling out, and I was crying large, flowing tears. Then, much like the tears spewing out of my eyes, I began to just spew out the truth. Everything I was trying to keep a secret just poured out of my mouth without my control. "Yes. Michael and I are together, he's my boyfriend, and I'm his. We've been dating for a majority of the school year, and we have made out in the stairwell at school every week day since we got together. Our pants are switched around now because pretty much the second Michael got here today we started making out again until we were both in noting but our boxers, but we didn't go any further. After that we just cuddled on my bed half naked while I read Les Miserables out loud until mom interrupted us. We had to get dressed in a hurry and now we're wearing each others pants. I -"

"Max, stop, I don't need to know everything. Ok? I get it." My brother interrupted, trying to get me to calm down as I continued sobbing profusely. However, I ignored him and continued talking.

"I know that I'm not supposed to like boys because that means that I'll go to hell when I die, and that's why I haven't told any of you guys. I've tried to stop feeling the way that I do, and I've even carved words into the insides of my thighs trying to stop myself from being the way that I am, but it didn't work. I still like boys, I still like kissing Michael, and I still feel the same way about boys that I did before because I'm broken. I should be straight, but I'm not, and I've been searching every inch of my brain trying to figure out where I went wrong and why God is punishing me, but I think that the truth is just that I'm broken, and God made a mistake. And I'm gay!" I sobbed, finally stopping because I had almost nothing else left to say. However, I still managed to keep some of my secrets. I felt Michael grab my hand in an effort to comfort me, but it didn't work all that well. What did work, was what my brother did. I felt him grab hold of both of my shoulders, and make me look at him.

"Max, listen to me. You are not broken, you are not being punished, you didn't do anything wrong, and God did not make a mistake. You are quite possibly the best person I know, and God probably has a special place in heaven that is reserved just for you because you are a beautiful human being, and you deserve nothing less than the very best. You being gay doesn't change that at all. You are no different than you have always been. You are still Max, you are still an amazing person, and you still deserve a special place in heaven. You are not broken, Max." He said, calming me down a little bit.

"If I'm not broken, and I'm not a mistake, then why do I feel so terrible about this? Why does it feel so wrong?" I asked.

"Because that's how you were taught to feel. I love our parents, and I know that they are doing their best to raise us to be perfect, and they haven't done a bad job by any means, but the extent of their religiousness is harmful. It's because of how strongly they believe in the bible, that you were taught to hate yourself for being gay. It's because of them that you feel the way you do. It's because of them that you carved into your thighs, and hate yourself for being gay. But there is nothing wrong with you Max."

"But the bible says-"

"That man shall not lay with man. I know. But you seem to be forgetting that tons of people were gay in ancient history. Men in rome would sleep with other men, because women were for procreation. In the sixteenth century, it was illegal for men to sleep with other men, but it was common, and actually respected, for men to proclaim their romantic love towards other men. And even though it was punishable by death for a man to sleep with another man, no one really cracked down on that rule. And that's just two examples, but there are more. you aren't going to hell Max. My brother said as he pulled me into a hug. I though that I needed a hug from Michael and Fin, but it wasn't until my brother hugged me, that I realised that a hug from him was the greatest thing in the world.

I cried into my brother's chest, and held onto him tightly. I had no intention of letting go anytime soon, but my brother didn't seem to really mind that. When I finally had cried myself all out, and pulled away from my brother, I thanked him a bunch of times and told him goodnight. Then Michael and I went back to my room where we talked for a little bit about what had just happened, then we snuggled up and went to sleep. I felt very comfortable to be sleeping in Michael's arms, as cheesy as that sounds, and for what felt like the first time ever, I didn't dream about Fin at all.