The Challenging Path to Self Acceptance

1

Everything was decided for me, from the moment that I took my first breath, till I would take my last. My family had simple, and reasonable expectations from me, so when I couldn't hold up to these expectations, I was devastated. I thought I was broken because my job was quite simple really. All I had to do was go to church every Sunday, pray every night, get good grades, make good choices, fall in love, have a couple of kids, live to see my grandkids, then die a peaceful death. That was it.

I have to admit, it was kind of nice to be told what my life will be like. I figured, I would never be doing anything wrong as long as I stuck to the plan. Stick to the plan and everything will be ok. I didn't have to worry about if I was making good choices, because it was all laid out for me. All I had to do was not sin, and that was easy to accomplish. I just told myself to stick to the plan and everything would be ok. Good boys stick to the plan. Boys who stick to the plan make their parents proud. Boys who stick to the plan get to go to heaven. Boys who stick to the plan get to be happy. If I was happy, I was on the right path.

I was blessed, and I knew it. I was smart, had a good home, good family, good friends, good food, and good looks. Even from a young age I was unusually handsome. I had clean, pale blond hair, a clear, chiseled face, with eyes that were bluer than the sky. I had a nice, handsome smile that flashed my straight, and white teeth. There was no doubt in anyones mind, that I would get a wife easily.

However, one day, I found myself no longer on the path to righteousness. I had messed up somewhere, and I was doing something wrong. I was sinning, and I was being punished. I didn't know why though. I had never stepped outside of the line, never once diverted from the path that was destined for me, until one day in junior high, that changed my entire life. I began to think back on my entire life, trying to figure out what went wrong, and why I was being punished. Was it because I fought with my brother? Was it because of that A- I got? What did I do?

I developed a sick feeling in my stomach. It spread up to my chest, and consumed me whole. I was barely able to keep my head long enough to stumble into a bathroom stall, and puke into the toilet. It was a feeling that I was unfamiliar with, but understood immediately. It was guilt. Overwhelming, gut wrenching guilt that caused me to loose everything I had ever eaten in a single minuet. The strangest part about this feeling of guilt, was that the feeling that encited this guilt stayed in me. It didn't blast out of my stomach like everything else, or hibernate in my chest. I could feel it in every inch of my body, and it felt like hell, but it was also, oddly, a great feeling.

< * >

It all started in junior high, as I've stated. I had friends who were good kids, like me, and I wore a cross around my neck at all times. I was only in eighth grade, but I felt like I had all of the answers already. That is, until, my entire world changed in the blink of an eye.

It was the second week of school, and I had gym. My friends and I laughed a little at something that was said, as we began to dress out. I was fully changed into basketball shorts and a t-shirt, so I sat on a bench and waited for my friends. One of them, Fin, was taking his time. So, I'm waiting for him, watching him get undressed. This meant that, for a little bit, I was looking at my male friend while he was in nothing other than a pair of form fitting boxers, and a silver cross that dangled over his chest from a chain.

Here's the thing, this was not a new situation for me. Pretty much every day of the school year since sixth grade, I had seen multiple boys who wore nothing other than their boxers in the locker rooms. I would usually avert my eyes, or get a little uncomfortable, or even blush a little on some occasions, but this time was different.

Fin had left to work for his grandfather over the summer, so he filled out quite a bit. He wasn't scrawny, or flabby, or lacking in toned muscles before, but he most definitely wasn't now. His arms looked strong, and he had a very toned chest and stomach. His entire body looked at though his chocolate skin seemed to struggle with covering him entirely, but at the same time, he never looked better. However, the detail that caught my attention the most, and made me feel the strangest, was that Fin's thighs looked strong, and stunning, and his rear suddenly became more noticeable, and nice.

I stared in awe, unable to look away as Fin pulled a shirt over his copper head of hair, and covered his perfect chest. I squirmed a little bit, but never pulled my eyes away from my friend as I watched him slide on leg into his shorts, then the other. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as Fin pulled his short up, and I found myself feeling disappointed when Fin's perfect thighs were hidden from view, and I could no longer see the exact shape of his rear. Fin then sat down and pulled on his sneakers, before looking back at me.

"Max? You ok?" He asked, concern flashing from his penny colored eyes. His voice rang in my head, almost like it was one of the greatest things I had ever heard. It took me a moment to regather my thoughts, when I did, I blinked out of my daze.

"Yeah. I just gotta use the restroom. You go on ahead, I'll meet you out there." I responded, not entirely lying. Fin shrugged, then got up and left.

I took a moment to breathe, and think about what just happened. This was the weird feeling that I could feel all over my body. It was foreign to me, and I didn't understand it at first. However, as images of Fin's almost naked body passed through my mind, the feeling intensified, and then I understood. I was attracted to Fin. This is the feeling that triggered the guilt, and the feeling that I had done something wrong. I wasn't supposed to like another boy in that way. I was supposed to marry a girl when I grew up. Me liking another man was a sin, and I would go straight to he'll for it when I died. I started breathing deeply, as if I was being suffocated, and I broke into a cold sweat. I gripped the bent as tight as I possibly could, until I couldn't feel my hands anymore. Blindly, and barely competent, I stood up, and made my way to a bathroom stall, which I shut and locked.

Then I emptied all of my organs into the toilet via puke.