The Butler and I (BWWM)✔

33

My grey eyes are staring at his blue ones, he stands there waiting for an answer. I try to remind myself why I actually came here, that's when it comes to me. "I'm pregnant," I blurt out.

"What?" He asks pulling away from me. 

He looks shocked with a mixture of something I can't read. I've been down this road before when I told Juan that I was pregnant. Of course, Juan reacted completely different. He was still in high school, but he was happy about it. Juan was always a family person and his family couldn't be more happy about it. However, Luke is different. I know he wants kids, but he doesn't seem so happy about it now. He might want kids, but not with me. I decide to bring him out of his misery, "I don't know why I told you, it really doesn't matter," he raises his eyebrow inquiring more about what I mean. "I'm getting an abortion," I added.

"W-what?" He asks, I nod my head confirming what I just said. He put his hand on his forehead thinking for a moment. "Can you just slow down for a second?" He asks, "you just told me that you're pregnant with my kid and you decided to get an abortion?" He asks.

"Yes," I say. "I didn't exactly make up my mind yet, but you just proved that I should. You don't seem too happy about it," I say. I take a seat on the sofa that is in the living room. He follows me and takes a seat also next to me. 

"I just didn't know how to react. You know I want kids, but-"

"You weren't prepared," I finish for him. He nods his head, he put his head down and plays with his hands between his legs. 

"But don't get an abortion," he says. "I want kids and-"

"Luke," I stop him, he looks up at me. "Don't do that," I say shaking my head. "Don't try to convince me that you want kids and guilt me into having the baby," I say. "I got pregnant when I was seventeen and I only kept it to make Juan happy. I was convinced that if we had a kid together, that would guarantee us being together. I do not want to keep a kid because it'll make a guy happy."

He nods his head understanding, "Jake used to call me mommy," I say chuckling. "One morning when he was eight, he called me mom, I was surprised. When I asked what he said, he repeated the same thing," I chuckle again. "That's when I knew he was growing into his own independent person, he didn't need me anymore. Jake is ten now about to turn eleven, he really doesn't need me anymore. I want to take this time to have fun and enjoy the time I missed out."

"I never got a chance to enjoy college or my early twenties because I had a kid to get home too," I say. When everyone was talking about going for a drink or going clubbing, I was talking about getting home to my baby. I guess it was fair since I used to do these things in high school. I don't regret the things I missed out for Jake because I enjoyed every moment I spent with him and I would do it all over again. "Since Jake is already grown, I'm thinking about enjoying my life now. I want to start a fellowship for neurosurgery," I add.

"I understand, but you're always saying how thankful you are for the people who convinced you not to get an abortion with Jake," he says. "You don't want to make a mistake."

"Probably, but I never wanted kids," I say honestly. "Luke, I'm sorry," I say. "Besides, I am not looking forward to that co-parent thing again. I would hate for my kid have to spend every weekend at a different parent's house plus we live in different states," I say putting my head back and looking at the ceiling. 

"What if I move back to Chicago?" Luke asks out of nowhere.

"What?" I ask him. 

"I'll move back to Chicago," he says.

"No," I tell him. "You have your life here, your mom's here, and you have a great job where you get to learn from your favorite chef that you love," I tell him. "Stay here and enjoy your life."

"I can't do that, I can always find a job in Chicago and you can't just tell me that you're pregnant and expect me to act like nothing happened. I can never be happy here because you're not here."

 I look at the ceiling fan turn, I get lost in it admiring it. I really don't know what to do. He's right, I almost cry when I think about how I almost aborted Jake. Now he's the most important person in my life. Truth is even though I never wanted kids, I love being a mother. I might not be the best, but I still love it. I would have to pause my life, but I am willing to do it for my baby. 

If only it was that simple, having a baby will turn my life upside down. I have to think about Jake, how will he feel about having a little sibling. I've never seen Jake interact with any kids so I don't know how he would feel about it. I look over at Luke, his head is still down and he is still playing with his hands. 

I hear my phone ring, I don't bother answering it, I know it's Christopher. He's probably worried that I haven't come back to the hotel, but I'm sure he can figure out that I'm with Luke since I went to see him. "Christine," Luke calls me.

I close my eyes, "mhmm?" I ask him not feeling like opening my mouth to say anything. 

"I love you," he says. "And I'm not saying that because I want you to keep the baby," he adds because he already knows what I'm thinking about. If he's not doing it for that, why would he tell me this now? He chose the worst time to say the words I wanted to hear a few weeks ago. Did he really love me? I shake the thought out, it doesn't matter. "I guess being away from you made me realize that," he tells me. "Hey," he touches my thigh making me look at him.

"Do whatever you want," he says. I look him in the eye, I could see that he didn't mean that. I know he wants me to keep the baby, he once said he never found the right person to have kids with. Did him wanting me to keep the baby mean that he thinks I'm worthy enough of carrying his child? I nod my head, he leans over and kisses my lips gently. "I'll be back," I nod my head again and watch as he gets up and walks out of the room.

I'm keeping the baby, I tell myself.

AN

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