Stage Lights || H.S.

the coward

I walked out of my room. Amy was sitting on the couch digging on a vegan ice cream -she decided to try a new diet- and I could tell by the way her eyes widened that she was as shocked as me. For the past couple of days I had left my room for only two things: to use the bathroom and grab delivery of Chinese food. Today was different. I had my hair washed and brushed - something I hadn't done in a while - and a pair of leggings and a t-shirt on. My Ray-Bans hid the bags under my eyes and my bag hung on my shoulder.

"Take a picture. It'll last longer." I mumbled, making my way into the kitchen.

"I just— Are you going out?"

I could her her foot steps following me. I opened the fridge to grab a water bottle and turned around to almost crash into Amy's body. The way I huffed made her back up and go around the the counter, leaning on the cold top and putting her ice cream down.

"I have a shoot for this online shop. Apparently it's pretty big right now and Renee wants to work on my social media appearance since the whole thing with—" I stopped, his name wouldn't come out of my mouth.

"Are you okay?" I nodded. "You didn't seem okay since the Nice Guy and I—"

"I'm fine, Amy. Jesus."

She closed her eyes for a second and pulled her body up, her hands slamming on the counter.

"You know what? I'm tired, Luna. I'm sick and tired of this. Your mood swings have gone out of control. You're unhappy all the time and when I think you're getting better, you get worse." She waved her hands in front of me, her face turning red. "Maybe you should stop and reevaluate things. Maybe Harry isn't who you think you he was and maybe you like him and that's why you're like this again. What did he do? What happened between you two?" I brought my hands up to my face and pulled my glasses out, placing them with the water bottle down. "Tell me."

"Harry's problem is that he's just like you. He wished I was someone I'm not. He thought he could fix me but he can't." I sighed. "The only difference is that he knows I'm a piece of shit. You still try to see good in me."

"That's bullshit. You know that's not true."

"I fucked one of his friend's friend." Her mouth fell open, she shook her head trying to form words to say but she couldn't. "I did it 'cause I needed to get him out of my head. It was freaking me out. So I just did it. Now he doesn't want to talk to me, I told him to leave me alone and maybe it's for the best."

"It's obviously not for the best when you haven't left your room in days. Maybe you should—"

"I don't want to see him. I don't want to speak to him. I don't want to work things out. I don't want to talk about this anymore." I put my glasses back on my face and slid the water bottle on my bag. "I'm going to go stay at my parents' for a while. I can't be here and have you worrying about me. You're right, I just need to figure some things out."

"Please, Luna—"

"I'm a bad person, Amy. You're a good person and you deserve good things."

"That's not true. You're being unreasonable."

"Maybe I'll go somewhere. I know some people that are—"

"No! You have to stop running away from things." She shouted. "You know. Growing up I always looked up to you. You were— I wanted to be like you. But you— I don't think I could ever be like you, Luna. I think it would drive me mental. You leave things unsolved, you go around, jumping from people to people and then leaving because you're scared to face reality. You're scared and you run away. You're a coward!"

Her words hit me like a punch. I didn't know why she was saying that, I couldn't wrap my mind around the idea of Amy ever looking up to me. She was the bright child. Smart, pretty, funny. I was lonely and broken since I was a kid. There was no way anyone ever looked up to me, specially someone like her. She was good at history and only got As in math, she was the smartest person I know. Amy was perfect and I grew up hearing that I should be like her, not the other way around. No one in a sane state of mind would ever want to be like me.

"I'll stop by later to grab a few things."

+++++++++

He sat in front of me. His hair still slightly wet and forming in curls, his green eyes gazing at me. They were dark and unfamiliar at this point, not the shiny bright ones I grew used to. I closed my eyes trying to take in the pain. I couldn't understand why it hurt so much. Maybe it was the fight with Amy yesterday, maybe it was the way Renee reacted to me staying over her place, maybe it was the fact that I missed Harry more than I'd like to admit.

"How was Japan?" I asked, breaking the silence.

Paul's hair was longer now and, although it looked like he had just showered, it still looked dirty for the fact that he never properly washed it. He pulled it back and wrapped around in a small bun low by his neck.

"It was different, I mean, Tokyo reminded me of New York. With all the lights and stuff."

I grabbed for my drink and he did the same, his rings making noise hitting the glass. I felt chills go down my body remembering how cold Harry's would feel against my stomach, his thumb caressing my skin.

"Sounds nice, maybe I'll have to go one day."

"I'm sure you'll love it. It's crazy. Like you." He smiled lightly.

"And how was the girl?"

"It was good, actually. Really good. We haven't stopped talking, I mean, it's been what? A few months now?" His eyes were piercing. "I think it might actually work out."

"Are you happy?"

Happiness. Such a strong word. I knew Paul was looking for happiness all along. He looked for happiness on me too. He tried as much as he could for as long as he could and that's why I called him to meet up. He saw me just how Harry saw me but now that I was sitting in front of him I knew that under his eyes I didn't feel the same as when Harry looked at me.

"Yes, I am." I felt in the pit of my stomach. Jealousy. He was being honest. Paul was, he never lied and I hated him for it sometimes. "Are you?" I snorted. "Does he make you happy? The British guy?"

"We're not together." I said quickly making him raise an eyebrow.

"That's not what I asked." I knew what he asked, I just didn't want to say it.

"He's not talking to me. I fucked up. I always do."

Paul's eyes stared at me like he tried to read me, they were squeezed almost as if he was trying to look inside my brain.

"Do you feel it with him? What you couldn't feel with me?" I couldn't reply. "You deserve happiness, Luna. I saw you two online. Pictures everywhere."

"Yeah."

"He better be good to you."

"Well, last time I saw him I told him to leave me alone."

"If he's smart, he won't." He pulled back, shoving his hand on his pocket and pulling out a thin cd cover. He pushed it in my direction, it was white with a red rose on it. "That's the album. You inspired a few songs so I figured I'd give you a copy. Maybe that way you'll finally listen to it."

"Thanks."

"I could've loved you, you know? I'm sure Styles feels the same way."