TF2 X Reader OneShots (ReDux)

AURORA BOREALIS?!

Scout had invited Sniper over for lunch. It may not be as easy as Scout thinks it will be, though...

Sniper walks up to the door and knocks. Scout answers it, holding a bottle of soda on ice.

"Well, Scout, I made it, despite your directions." Scout grins and shakes Sniper's hand.

"Ah! Sniper. Welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon." Sniper is slightly perturbed at Scout's choice of words, but shakes back, then drops his hand.

"Yeah..." Sniper walks inside and sits down at the table. Scout sets the soda down on the table, then walks into the kitchen, pulling on some oven mitts to retrieve the roast he cooked for them to share. But then- disaster strikes!

"Aw, crap! My roast is ruined." He looks outside in despair, to find that a McDonald's was within running distance.

"But what if I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Delightfully devilish, Scout." He opens up the kitchen window and prepares to slip out of the kitchen.

Suddenly, Sniper opens the door to the kitchen to check what's going on.

"Ah-" Scout freezes up, having been caught redhanded.

♫ Scout with his crazy explanations~ The Sniper is gonna need his medication~ When he hears the Scout's lame exaggerations~ There'll be trouble in town tonight~ ♫

"SCOOOUUUT!" Scout freaks and starts stretching on the windowsill.

"Sniper! I was just- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me?" Sniper rolls his eyes.

"Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Scout?" He gestures to the oven, which is currently being set on fire.

"Uh-" Scout quickly came up with a lie to cover his tracks.

"Oh. That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmm. Steamed clams." He rubbed his belly in an attempt to convince Sniper more. Sniper just grunted and left.

"Whew." Scout fled out the window to order some fast food.

"Hey, Sniper, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers." Sniper looked at Scout in confusion.

"I thought we were having steamed clams." Scout chuckled and set the platter of burgers and fries down.

"D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers." Sniper gave Scout a 'really?' look.

"You call hamburgers steamed hams?" Scout started sweating.

"Yes. It's a regional dialect." Sniper nodded disbelievingly.

"Uh-huh. Uh, what region?" Scout smiled.

"Uh, upstate New York."

"Really." Scout nods frantically.

"I see. You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at McDonald's." Scout chuckles nervously.

"Oh, no. Patented Byrne burgers. Old family recipe!" Sniper nods slowly.

"For steamed hams." Sniper squints at Scout.

"Yeah."

"Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled." He got Scout there. Scout scrambled to find an excuse.

"Ye- You know, the- One thing I should- - Excuse me for one second."

"Of course." Scout got up and went into the kitchen, panicking since the fire had spread. He went back out to the living room, then stretched and yawned.

"Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped." Sniper nodded.

"Yes. I should be- Good Lord! What is happening in there?" Sniper stood up and pointed at the wavering kitchen door, which revealed the fire for a second before closing.

 "Aurora borealis." Scout cursed himself internally for such a stupid answer.

"Wh-Aurora Borealis?! At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen?!"

"Yeah." Sniper's jaw dropped.

"Can I see it?" Scout chuckled.

"No."

Scout walked Sniper outside as the fire spread from room to room.

"James! The house is on fire!" Scout turned to call up to his mother, who was still in the house.

"No, Ma. It's just the northern lights." Scout turned back to Sniper, smiling at him. Sniper smiled back and extended a hand to shake. Scout took it.

"Well, Scout, you are a twitchy little wank, but I must say, you steam a good ham." Scout smiled, nodded, and let go of Sniper's hand. Sniper started to walk away, when...

"HELP! HEEELP!" Sniper wheeled around to look at the house. Scout forced a pained smile and a thumbs up as his house was destroyed. Sniper turned around to walk away again, and Scout raced inside to save his mother.