OS Collection

Letting Go

Here I am, sitting on a couch with her staring me right in the face. The room is so awkwardly silence. And my heart is beating so loud I fear she may hear it. And she'll know I'm nervous. But I suppose she could already make it up by my shivering hands. Honestly I don't want to be here. I don't belong here. I'm perfectly alright. I, I have nightmares sometimes but who doesn't? My parents are just too much. I think it'd be best if I just get through the session. She'll recognize am perfectly alright and my parents won't have any reason to worry.

'Since when are you having these nightmares?' She repeats the question I was avoiding. Because I know what she wants to know and talk about.

'Those aren't many. Just one. I had it once or twice only, nothing to worry.' Even though I try to I know I wasn't convincing enough. I bet she's seen through me. And she'll hold it against me. She will smash me down, break me into pieces. But only if I let her, which I obviously won't.

'Your parents told otherwise. You've been having these nightmares for almost two years. And I doubt they'd lie. Would they?' I look up into her eyes now. She is not asking, she is testing me. She wants to see if I'm honest with her or if I continue to lie. And something inside me tells me it's useless. She's not my enemy or someone who wants to hurt me in any way. She's a psychiatrist and she's just doing her job.

My parents are concerned for my well being and sent me to her, and she's doing nothing else than trying to get to the roots of my nightmares. She wants to help me get out of my depression, just like my parents.

But I don't know if I want to be helped. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

'I know your parents sent you here and you didn't want to be here. But believe me, once you talk, you'll feel lighter, better.' She sounds so convincing with her exaggeratedly calm and matter-of-fact voice, I almost forget I'm sitting here just for my parent's sake.

And now my mind is driving somewhere else, working on things to say and not to say, how much or less to open up. What could be awkward and what's appropriate? I don't want to be judged. But on the other side, is she allowed to judge me? Even if. She's a psychiatrist. She must have heard of far worse.

So taking a deep breath, I finally speak up.

'Ok fine. I'll talk. But lemme make one thing clear. I did not have a traumatic childhood. I was a happy child of a married couple who had occasional fights but supported each other whenever needed. I was an only child and obviously spoilt. Also, both my father and mother didn't neglect me for work and always spent time with me.' I present my childhood to her in a short summary. I was a spoilt child and not at all deprived of love, so no point wasting time in that phase of my life. It was a wonderful period. I wish I could go back to being an unconcerned child, when my biggest concern had been not to miss an episode of my favorite cartoon.

'Got it. So tell me about the nightmares. What do you see?' She finally asks again. I can see it, she wants to talk about my horrible dreams. Obviously.

Damn it.

I close my eyes and lean my head back as those unpleasant pictures run in my head like a movie. I don't want to talk about it. I really don't.

'Are you alright?' I open my eyes upon hearing her and sit back straight. I nod my head in response though she knows better.

So on second thoughts, I shouldn't be thinking about what I want, instead I gotta concentrate on what I need, what's better for me and the people around me. I was able to take sensible decisions, for example breaking up. I knew it's better to break up. There wasn't any other way. I mean, there were...but it was the most sensible one. But my ability to think straight was lost after...after that happened.