Say you love me

51

It wasn't long after the birthday party that reality began to set back in. Special day or not, money was still tight, and every week Chris's check seemed smaller and smaller. Her bar piano nights were seeming longer and longer, and she knew it wasn't fair to drop Pearl off at the neighbors for the night then wake her up at dawn to bring her home, always reeking so badly of cigarette smoke that sometimes she'd have to throw her clothes out.

John tried to help, but the band was getting ready for another tour. No new album to promote but yet another tour; it made no sense to Chris or John but Mick insisted nonetheless. Because of perseverance, whatever the hell that meant.
It was a Wednesday, and dinner was cheesy toast and beans. Cheap and easy, with cheap being the best option for now. Chris sat on the couch with a bottle of wine, trying to relax and not think about the stress ready to consume her.
What did she expect being a single parent? She didn't expect it to be easy, it never was easy; when Pearl was a baby it was a bit less rough because feeding a baby was practically free, thanks to breastfeeding.

The first time the baby smiled and reached for her mother was the first time everything felt worth it. The first smile, first word, first steps made Christine's problems melt away and forget about everything but the beautiful child that was made from such strong love, the baby she wanted so much.

And she did it all by herself.

There was no one there to help her with late night feedings, or figure out how to settle the crying, the stomachaches, and the colic. Chris's mother was a great source of knowledge, but Chris couldn't call her at 2 am every time the baby made a funny sound. So she had to figure it out by herself.

Christine was proud that she'd done it all by herself with barely any help. She normally was, at least. But now she was just so angry. She gripped her wineglass and thought about all the times she'd nearly fell over from exhaustion, the sour sting of failure she felt when the baby cried or wouldn't nurse properly. The lonely nights and no one to talk to, the pure jealousy she felt every time she saw a happy couple and their child walking past her.

Why wasn't anything fair?

"Mummy!" Pearl called out from the bathroom. Chris closed her eyes and sighed. Her little girl was potty trained, but still had the occasional accident now and then. Nursery school wouldn't admit her unless she was fully able to handle her bathroom needs herself.
"Mummy! Come see how pwetty I look!"

Chris set down her wineglass and headed for the bathroom, hoping Pearl hadn't made another toilet paper mess. They needed every penny they could hang onto.

The bathroom smelled like powder. Not baby powder, but another kind of powder.
"Pearl Beatrice Mcvie, what have you done!"

Pearl sat on the floor near the bathtub with Chris's makeup bag next to her. She had Chris's  face powder on her face, arms, and legs. Her dress looked like it had flour spilled down the front. Red lipstick was smeared on her lips, cheeks, and neck. Blue eyeshadow was on her eyelids and stuck in her eyebrows, which had been colored in with brown eyeliner pencil to Joan Crawford proportions. She had stuck false eyelashes onto her eyelids, but they wouldn't stay. They hung off her eyelids, giving her a spider-like appearance. Chris's blush brush was in the toilet.
"I'm a pwetty lady, Mummy!" Pearl smiled at her mother happily, unaware of the boiling rage Chris was trying so hard to contain.

"You know you're not supposed to touch Mummy's makeup! You know that!" Chris picked up a tube of lipstick and flung it at the wall. She grabbed a rag and tried to scrub the mess off of Pearl's face, but she only smeared the colorful paint around. Fuck waterproof eyeliner.

"Mummy, that hurts!" Pearl started to cry.

Christine hauled off and grabbed Pearl's little hand and dragged her into her room. She knelt down and grabbed her daughter by the shoulders.

"Mummy's doing everything she can and you're being a bad girl! Can't you see how hard Mummy's working? Can't you see that!" Hot tears of anger and frustration fell down her face as she looked into her little girl's eyes. Pearl couldn't do anything but cry. Her mummy had never spoken to her like this before, or grabbed her so hard. Didn't Mummy love her anymore?

"Now you're going to stay in your room until I'm ready to deal with you!" Chris stalked off and slammed the door, not caring that her little girl sobbed and only worsened the mess on her face.