You came and went as seasons do,
Warm like summer,
Cold as ice in the winter.
I threw on my fur coat when it got to be too frosty, I adapted to the changing tides of you.
And when you came, it felt a lot like the world was tightly aligned on a path. Like the stars weren't so far after all. Like maybe I'd be able to put down my hopeless romantics and pick up something concrete.
You made me feel golden, like after months of seeing grey, I was the one shining color. You made me feel so special. With you, I could breathe again.
I built sandcastles out of the promises you made to me, and made sure I put trash bags on top of them so the water might not wash over them. I wrote your compliments on my arms and made sure to wash around them so they'd never leave my skin. I can still see the scars where I cut them into myself when you went....
When you went, I started seeing the shadows in the corner of my vision creep up on me. I started fearing the dark again, not because of what was in it but because of the deafening silence and loneliness it projected. You made me realize how scared I was of myself. Scared of the pills in my cabinet, scared of the knives at my fingertips. When you went it was almost like a cold front swept through my body. Like no matter how many times I told people I'd be fine, I'd still go home to the precipice with which I always found myself choosing whether to fall off of or not. My life became a guessing game, when you left. Would I survive to see Christmas this year?
Would I make it to sunrise?
The lies piled up and I realized I hadn't left my bed in days.
I watched the water fall over the sandcastles of promises and realized I never nailed the bags down.
I felt the water rinse the words from my skin away and with it, my heart strings cut themselves apart.
I cut myself apart for you.
When you came, it was heaven.
When you went, it was hell.
There is no beating around the bush.
And this poem may seem unfinished but I have nothing left to add.
I am miserable without you,
I am complete with you.
That's all there is.
-S
