You Always Belonged To Me (BoyxBoy)

Chapter Five

           As my anger lessened the guiltier I felt. I can’t believe I yelled at him like that, I never raised my voice at him before. I was angry though and he doesn’t even care anymore. He’s always the one worried that men only wanted him for his body and he wasn’t good enough that’s why his boyfriends cheated on him. Now I feel like he only wanted me for sex and nothing else, not even friendship. I’m not good enough.

         My room was still dark as midnight but my alarm clock told me otherwise. I need to talk to someone but my friends won’t understand. I took a shower and got dressed then went to the only man I know that will listen and be there for me.

        I entered his office after getting the okay from his secretary. “William? What are you—what’s the matter, son? Have you been crying?”

        I nodded feeling a whole new wave of emotions taking over me, “Dad, I don’t know what to do”

        “Come sit down and tell me what’s wrong.” I sat in one of the chairs in front of his desk and my dad moved and sat on his desk in front of me.

        “I’m in love with someone and I feel like it’s ruining everything”

         “Who’s the lucky girl and why is being in love with her a problem?” he asked.

         I sighed then closed my eyes. “It’s a guy, dad. His name is Sage and I’ve known him for a long time”

         “Oh, okay.” He folded his hand over his chest. “Is that the problem? Are you scared of accepting this person and what you are?”

          “I’m not even sure what I am. The only thing I’m sure of is that I want to be with him”

         “Does he not accept you?” The questions just keep flowing.

         “The thing is, we were messing around for awhile,” I confessed. I looked into his eyes to make sure he understands what I’m saying. His mouth formed an ‘O’ so I continued. “The deal was if he ever found someone he like then we’d stop what we’re doing and he can go be with the person. Then he found someone and we stopped but we were still friends. I hate the guy he’s such an ass and he’s clingy and selfish. The problem started because Sage kept picking this guy over me. We would have plans and he would call and cancel because fucking Elliot wanted to do something. I swear he just didn’t want Sage and I to hang out. For the forth time this week Sage canceled on me and I lost it so I called him and we had a fight. Then he came to my house to apologize and things just got worst. I told him that I’m in love with him and all he did was answer his phone and tell him he’ll be there in ten minutes. I told him that he made his choice and to get out of my house. Now I’m feeling guilty for yelling at him like I did and I don’t know what do about this situation.”

          I felt like I wanted to cry again, this is so frustrating and it hurts even more because Sage doesn’t care about my feelings at all. It would have been enough for me to be his friend but he couldn’t even offer me that.

         “Someone was bound to develop feelings and get hurt in that situation, William.”

         “I didn’t think it would turn out like this. I just want to have him in my life dad even as just friends. I love him too much to be without him completely. I just hate that he doesn’t even care about our friendship”

         Go talk to him,” my dad urge. “You need to hear him out and don’t let your emotions get the best of you”

         I don’t think I’m ready yet, plus he’s probably with his boyfriend,” I mocked.

         William, don’t be stubborn. If you love him the way you say you do go fight for him and let him know that you really love him, okay son?” I nodded. I love my dad he’s always here for me and he’s never judgmental, he puts me in my place when I need it and he’s honest to me always, even if it hurts or I’m going to be mad at him for a long time. “Come on, there’s this new band in the studio and I want you to hear them. That’s if you’re up for it.”

         Sure thing, dad.” My dad owns a huge record company, which is where most of my money comes from because I scout for him sometimes and I write songs and make beats also and give them to him to do whatever he pleases. I love music but I can’t sing for my life. The other portion of my money comes from my art collection, I buy art from foreign countries and sell them and I paint some of my own. The paintings that I really love I keep them in a room in my house, I even have sculptures and other artworks that I don’t even know how to explain what they are. They drew my attention so I bought them.

         After checking out the band my dad was talking about I gave him the thumbs up and went home to fetch my phone then go see Sage. It was right where I left it; I had missed calls and texts messages but none from Sage. I tossed the phone on the bed, grabbed my iPod and a jacket since it was getting a chilly and the skies looked dark and ready to pour, exactly like how I was feeling and went for a walk.

         Sometime later I found myself at a subway restaurant. I bought a buffalo chicken sub and a Snapple ice tea then went to sit at the window so that I could stare at the people walking outside. Their worlds seem a lot rosier than mine, couples holding hands whispering sweet words to each other as they walk, a dad and his daughter going to a ice cream shop across the street, even the people walking or shopping by themselves seem happier than I am, but looks can be deceiving so I shouldn’t presume anything.

          As I walked home I can’t help the empty feeling suddenly taking over my very being. Does Sage really not care at all? Am I really not good enough for him that he can throw our friendship away so easily for someone else? He should at least cut me some slack, I’m in love with him and I told him that asking for nothing in return except for his friendship. I’m not the one fucking up why should I make the effort to fix it.

         Still I can’t help but feel partially responsible for the downward spiral of the relationship between Sage and I. I’m the one that let him go and if I just admitted my feelings to maybe things would have turned out better but I’ll never know because I can’t reverse time. Sage probably felt that I didn’t care for him at all in that way because I let him go so easily. It wasn't easy at all; I was dying inside because I wanted him for myself and nobody else. I still do but he doesn’t feel the same.

         Thankfully the rain started pouring just as I placed the key in the lock. I crashed on the couch thinking about everything, one question and one word kept replaying over and over like a scratched CD: Why?

         My dad said I should talk to him and I agree but I need time. It’s not like he cares anyway.

         How did I become like this? Completely caught up on someone that doesn’t even care to call after I confessed my love for him. Not in a million years did I think Sage would be like this. I wonder how would he have felt if I decided I wanted a relationship but I’m choosing someone else to be with because he just doesn’t cut it for me.

         I’ve always seen how a person acted when someone they love doesn’t love them back or leave them for another person. My advice was “If that person doesn’t want you that’s there lost. Get over it and move on”, what an amateur thing to say.

         As pissed as I am at Sage and how hurt I am by him, if he was to walk through my doors now and tell me that he made a big mistake and that he wants to be with me and not fucking Elliot I would accept him in a heartbeat. No matter how hurt I feel it’s like I love him more since he doesn’t want me. Then again, that could just be me realizing how much I do love him. I’m not going to lie and say that he’s my first love because he isn’t but no other love have felt like this, so amazing and intense to hurt me so deeply.

         If someone had asked me, who do you think is going to end up heartbroken and hurt when all this is over? The answer would definitely not be me. After all, I don’t get attached and I don’t do relationships. When Sage wants to stop it’ll be fine with me because he’s a free man. Sage wasn’t the only one who was blind; my apperception was gone long before his.