tw: mentions suicide and self harm
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the next day was a saturday, and thankfully michael could help luke get through the morning hangover.
"michael, why did you let me drink?" luke whined, pulling the blankets over his head.
"you let yourself drink." michael said, sitting on the bed beside luke.
he pulled the blankets down, and ran a wet rag over luke's face. he pushed his hair back, and smiled a little when luke scrunched up his nose.
"i've never drank before. why did i do that?" luke whispered.
"because i wasn't being a good friend." michael said quietly, and luke furrowed his eyebrows.
"what?" luke asked.
"there's obviously a lot i haven't told you, but there's stuff calum knows. i was kind of ignoring you- not on purpose though. i think you just felt kind of lonely."
"oh.." luke whispered, looking back down at the mention of how close he is with calum.
"last night, i know you were drunk, but i think you really expressed to me what you're feeling, and i want to talk to you about that."
"oh gosh. what did i say?" luke asked, his face turning pink.
"nothing bad. just how you feel threatened by calum. you think i'm with him, and that's why i won't date you. also how i'm being really closed off with you. you don't deserve that." michael whispered, and luke shook his head.
"michael, you don't have to tell me anything-"
"luke, i want to. i want to so bad, but last night i saw a new side of you. you can't just get drunk like that every time you're a little sad." michael said, and luke looked up at him.
"what does that have to do with anything?" luke asked, and michael sighed, running his hands over his face.
"it has everything to do with it. i just- i wish i could explain but i can't."
"yes you can-"
"you don't get it."
"so because i got drunk you can't tell me what the hell you've been hiding from me this whole time?" luke asked.
"it was just really immature and-"
"you wanna know why i did it, michael?" luke asked, and michael could tell the he somehow offended luke.
"kinda." michael said, and luke sat up, the blankets falling to his waist.
"when i was in perth, all i could think about was you. i thought about you moving on, and finding somebody new, and i thought about you just forgetting about me. when i was seventeen i was in such a bad mental state. i tried killing myself, michael. i wanted to die because i couldn't stand the thoughts that kept telling me i was nothing to you, and that i wasn't good enough for you. when i came back here, you showed me that wasn't true for a minute, but then you started hiding stuff and being secretive with calum, and ignoring me whenever he's around like i'm just some annoying friend that your mom made you invite. last night, those thoughts came back. that you didn't want me anymore. it wasn't just me being immature. it was me not knowing how to deal with everything coming back all at once while my best friend ignored me. i tried asking you to take me home, but you just said 'not now luke' like i was some burden to you." luke admitted, tears falling from his eyes, making michael's heart break completely.
luke pulled michael's hands over to him, and placed his left wrist on them.
michael could see the white line where luke's cut was. if he wasn't looking for it, he wouldn't have noticed, but now he's never gonna forget that it's there.
"michael, this is as honest as it gets. and until you can be honest with me, i don't want to do any of this anymore. no more making out until we can't breathe. no more 3 a.m. calls. no more making me think you actually want me. it hurts, and i can't do it anymore."
"baby-"
"stop."
michael held luke's hand anyways. he didn't want to let go.
"i'm just scared, luke. i'm scared that if i tell you, you won't want to be with me anymore. and i'm scared to let you see this part of my life because it's something so important to me that i want to protect at all costs." michael said quietly.
"and i'll guard it with my heart if you'll let me, but keeping all of the secrets is making me not want to be with you also." luke said, and michael nodded.
"can i have a day? just to think? i mean- i'm gonna tell you. i just need to figure out how."
"yeah. of course." luke whispered, and michael smiled a little.
"you give me too many chances."
"maybe, but i do it because i love you." luke told him.
"i love you too, luke. i'll see you tomorrow."
