Find My Heart (boyxboy)

19. Screw the Consequences

Nathan

It had been exactly 6 weeks since I'd seen Cole. 6 long torturous weeks.

It was Saturday again which meant only one thing. Cole would be coming to Highfield Hall later today.

I hated Saturdays. I hated them so much. I basically spent the whole day pacing around my room, desperate to go out, desperate to be anywhere but staring at these four walls.

But I couldn't. Because I didn't trust myself not to sneak a peek at him. You know, just to see if he was alright.

But of course he was alright. There was barely a day that went by without someone mentioning his name. You see he turned out to be a bit of a whizz at this ecology stuff, and well, he sort of became James the gardener's right hand man. And of course Annabell just worshiped the ground he walked on. Every sentence she said seemed to start with, 'do you know what Cole said....' or 'do you know what me and Cole did.....'"

It was torture. Pure torture. And to make it worse, I think they knew exactly what they were doing as well.

I knew I wasn't my normal self right now, but who could blame me? I had barely slept, and even eating seemed like a chore. I didn't need to look in the mirror to know that I looked like shit, that I had bags under my eyes and that I looked pale and slightly sick.

I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take.

"Nathan, can you come down here?" I heard Ronan call.

I groaned, but rolled off my bed and headed out of my room. It was still early, so Cole wouldn't be on the grounds for at least another couple of hours.

I walked into the shared lounge and saw Ronan sat on his usual chair by the window, and Emily sat on the sofa opposite.

"Hey," I said to Emily, not expecting to see her. Emily was Ronan's sister, but as she had one year old twins to look after, I didn't see much of her around.

She smiled back at me, but I saw that she had already clocked my appearance and was looking at me with some concern in her eyes.

I went over and sat down on the other side of the sofa and looked at Ronan expectantly.

Ronan cleared his throat, and from just that action I knew he was slightly nervous about what he was going to say.

I felt my heart speed up slightly.

"Emily has been kindly stepping in to assist James with the gardening project with the college students," Ronan said, "but she could do with some extra help today."

I felt the panic rush through my body.

"I can't!" I spat out quickly, "You promised that I wouldn't have to work on the project if Cole was involved. You promised!"

I knew I sounded both angry and desperate, but at this point I didn't care. I was tired, and felt weak, and I knew that asking me to do this would possibly push me over the edge.

I saw Emily flinch at my outburst, and I could see that I had shocked her.

Ronan's expression didn't change at all.

"I know I promised, but things have changed and I need you to do this," he said in a stern, unwavering tone.

"You can't," I choked out, running my hands through my hair in frustration. "You have no idea what you are asking of me."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you!" Ronan said, a little more forcefully than before.

"No you can't!" I said, jumping up of the sofa in desperation. "I can't do it! I won't!" My words were firm, but my voice was wavering, like I was on the verge of breaking down.