Find My Heart (boyxboy)

42. Tiger, Tiger

Casper

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling.

I didn't feel any better. In fact if anything, I just felt worse.

What was going on with me?

I needed to look at it rationally.

I'd been through a lot recently. My pack had been under attack for quite some time, leaving us constantly on edge. My wife had been kidnapped, leaving me frantically searching for her for two days. Then of course she'd died. But not only that, she'd died in my arms. And then, just a short while later my home had been attacked again. And I'd been stabbed and nearly killed.

When I looked at it like that, it was no surprise that I was losing the plot.

And then there were the dreams. I constantly dreamt about Joel. So much so, that when I first woke up in a morning, I struggled to tell the difference between dreams and reality. Although it was easy to tell in the light of day. Because reality was always worse. If I could live in my dreams, I definitely would.

I'd lost the tiger pin again. I spent a good hour in the woods looking for it. I must have dropped it when I was injured, but I still couldn't remember much about that night.

I do remember Joel being there. But that must have been in my dreams after I'd passed out. It was weird though. Because it wasn't Joel as I remembered him. It was this sort of buffed up version, all muscles and sex appeal. Why my subconscious had created this version I wasn't sure.

God, I wanted him so badly I felt like crying right now. But was it him I wanted? Or had I just chosen his image to represent the thing that could fill this great big void that was causing my heart to cave in on itself.

"Casper!" I heard someone shouting from outside.

I dragged myself off the bed, welcoming the distraction. I opened my window wide and stuck my head out.

"Sorry to disturb you, but Duncan would like a word, if you're not too busy," Mark shouted up at me.

"Fine, tell him I'll be down in a second."

Some of the staff had taken to hollering at my window. It usually meant they'd tried knocking on my door, but being in the bedroom, I hadn't heard it. And no one was allowed to enter my lounge without permission.

Things had changed round here since my dad handed the role of Alpha over to me and moved away. A lot of the change had been Emily's doing, but I supported it completely. In private the staff were allowed to address us informally, and they didn't have to avert their eyes. It was amazing how much of a change just those little things made. Everyone smiled a lot more, and seemed more at ease. And I'd got to know a lot more members of staff. Mark included.

I looked in the mirror and straightened out my hair before heading downstairs. I don't know why, because no amount of running my fingers through my hair was going to make me look even half decent.

I knocked on Duncan's office door and walked in.

Duncan was clearly sat waiting for me. He was sitting back in his chair, a smile on his face and an envelope in his hand.

Once I sat down he handed me the envelope.

"What's this?" I asked, turning the envelope over in my hand, and seeing my name in Duncan's writing across the front.

"It's my resignation," he replied, "I think it's about time I finally retired."

"What?" I replied in disbelief.