*enter one am insomnia (?) induced vent here*
*tired sigh*
Where do I begin.
I was born... Normal.
I developed relatively normally.
My brainpower exceeds that of an average adult.
I'm smart, intelligent, whatever.
...
But my brain doesn't hear this.
My mother says that I'm beautiful.
I don't know if it's the fact that I associate "beautiful" with "female".
Or if I just don't hear compliments.
I do believe that... It is a mix.
I hear these people complimenting me on my face, or really reading in this case.
I hear people in read life saying that I'm a great artist.
That I'm incredibly smart.
That I have gorgeous eyes.
I'm super nice.
I'm brave.
...
But I don't really "hear" it.
I don't hear any of it.
Yes, I physically hear the sound of words and my brain decodes them.
But it doesn't mean anything.
I'm broken.
I say "thank you" so they don't suspect that I am broken.
I say it to be polite.
So that people don't hate me any more than they already do.
Many people have shown their hate for me throughout my life.
Maybe people just don't want to show it.
They sometimes just want to lie and see me believe it.
I'm gullible.
I believed the craziest things.
I still believe in dragons.
Seriously.
I believe people when they say stuff like "I care".
I just know that I can do better.
So in my mind...
It just doesn't matter to me.
Because if I can do this, someone else can do it better, so why can't I.
Because I don't get to be complimented on something that I can work harder on.
I'm not good enough.
I punish myself sometimes because my mother doesn't.
Because I'm too weak to do anything and not improve.
I need to improve.
So that I can prove myself to those who I really matter to.
Because if I don't make something better than I'm hardly worthy of even eating sometimes.
...
Now.
I don't have an eating disorder.
I haven't made myself vomit.
I can't really. No gag reflex.
I can't go for more than a day without eating.
This isn't what this is about.
This is about... Me.
My strive for near-perfection.
Because if I am to be anyone, male, female, whatever.
I feel this need to be perfect.
It isn't a problem.
At least, yet.
And I have spoken to people about it.
I just wish to share this with you.
So that you know.
.
.
.
This was published extremely late.
