Okay so I know it isn't National Coming Out Day but
I think I should say a thing
And it might change some people's views about me as a person because some people I know irl read this and I don't want it to bother them but if it does then you are allowed to leave me. But if you can't keep secrets and you know me in real life, please don't read this.
I've dealt with losing friends, it's okay if you leave. I'll come up with an excuse. Maybe some fight over an important thing, maybe I broke or took something that was super important. Maybe I need space, maybe you do.
I regress. I mentally regress to the mind of an infant/young toddler, basically newborn to maybe two years old. And I can't always help it which is likely going to be seen as weak.
No, this isn't a kink. No, I don't get turned on by it. No, this isn't a brand-new thing. I've been this way for longer than I thought.
I've been this way for a few years and only found out what it was around the time that I found out about my gender situation. The trans thing came first, in January, and the agere (age regression) thing came in late March.
I regress to deal with a lot of things. I only just became okay with working on something explaining what I've avoided (I hope I avoided it to the point where it might even be surprising) talking about. That will be its own story.
To explain some things, regression is when your thought process and other brain (and some bodily) functions go back to a younger age. There's also past life regression, but that isn't something I've experienced and not what I'm talking about.
The things I regress to ease are my depression, possible anxiety, dysphoria (I didn't experience it as a baby, as I didn't even know what sex was. Barely knew what gender was so I didn't complain much.), and my inability to sleep well.
Depression has kind of always been around. I wasn't a loud kid, although if you know me now you might not believe it. I was lonely and everyone hated me because I was too nice, according to my mother. I was just an outcast. I've come to accept the fact that people will dislike me as long as I live. Not everyone does and it feels nice to have friends that won't make up a rumour that you have head live and then leave you because you got upset and cried in from of the whole cafeteria. It sucked honestly.
I was just a sad kid for the most part. Not as a baby. I was a more happy baby, I believe I recall my mother saying so.
Possible anxiety... I get anxious sometimes. Everyone does. I won't really say anything until I get it diagnosed.
Dysphoria wasn't really *there*. I did get sad that I didn't get to be "one of the guys" but I wasn't overly upset. I just hung out with them a lot and called myself a tomboy and wore my brother's hand-me-downs without any complaints. I liked getting clothes from him and still do.
PTSD. I won't talk about the things in this journal. I will possibly make a different story about all the things that happened in the past few years that have basically destroyed my trust for people in general and myself. This is a big thing that regresses me.
On the topic of PTSD, I kind of get flashbacks. Not exactly flashbacks, but close. I'll be having a nice time, and maybe a song or image will remind me of what happened. Even good songs sometimes do this and I have to be careful and even pause the music and just breathe (this happens with Renegades by X Ambassadors, I watch the video and have to stop for a few seconds until I resume watching/listening. I love the song though and hopefully soon I can listen without getting upset). Simple things like that happen and if I get too deep into my mind when that happens I often regress because of the stress and sometimes fear. Again, a defense mechanism that I sometimes have almost zero control over.
If you know me in real life, I understand if you don't want to be around a teenager who sometimes acts like a baby. And that if I've told you that I have feelings for you, I know that the facts above might change your possible response to a definite no. You have every right to be upset at me. It's a strange thing and the rare few people who know it exists typically think of it as a kink or fetish. There's people who have diaper/other baby/child stuff kinks, and I'm not one of them.But I understand if you don't trust me about this. For all you know, I might just be trying to get pity points or be trying to get you on my side.
If you know me in real life, please note that I don't want you to spread this. Nobody would understand and nobody would care for what I have to say and people would do so many things and then my brother would find out and the whole thing would be a mess. I don't want anything to happen that would upset my mother or other family. The bullying would be deserved by me, not by my brother.
He would be called a lot of things. He has the "tranny sister who acts like a baby" or some shit. He doesn't deserve that. He's a brilliant and amazing brother, and a good human overall.
I deserve the flack. He doesn't. My sister doesn't. My mom, my family doesn't. Nobody else deserves to be attacked because of what I am and what I do.
-Ansel-
I'm going to take a bit of a break from Wattpad now. I'm obviously going to be stressed as all hell and I need to do my homework for my coding class. Goodbye until I return. If you have any questions, either comment or message.
This is largely unedited. Any mistakes are my fault.
