i dont know a lot of things
like how i lived this long
like how i didnt know that i was a boy until only eight months ago
like how im this weak
like how nothing i say will fix anything no matter what
and so many other stupid things
the things i dont know make me feel stupid and the feeling of not being an intelligent human being mixes with a lot of other useless emotions and make me feel like a worthless piece of shit and i cant deal with living sometimes but i do it anyway
.
.
.
nothing i do can fix anything im dealing with right now but neither will death and the only reason i havent killed myself yet is because i know what it feels like to lose someone that you either couldnt help or that you could help but didnt know how or just stood by and watched them lose themselves and got rid of the pain themselves
it hurts like hell and i dont want anyone to feel that especially my mother because she has felt that too many times in her life and if i do it then she might not be able to deal with the pain of a lost child along with all the other people she loved who decided that life wasnt for them and took care of it themselves
i have siblings and they would most likely be in the hands of my grandmother or my 'father' if she died and that would be an almost abusive time for them and i dont want that for the people i love i dont want them to suffer so that i dont
i am willing to suffer if they stay safe and happy
-ansel-
