Don't Get Angry

24- Otis: The Big Bad World

I walked down the front steps of the school prepared to face Peter alone. I hadn't heard from Dalta all day and it seemed as if she had been skipping classes. She hadn't replied to any of my calls or texts and I had spent the day worried about her. But I didn't think she was hurt or in danger. Making my way to my car, I spotted her walking towards it. "Dalta!" She turned to me with a blank face. She looked emotionless like a switch had shut off in her brain. Tears stained her cheeks. She turned away and began to wipe them off. I walked over to her and my car. "Hey, I haven't heard from you all day."

"Can we talk?" She tucked her curls behind her ears like she always did.

"Sure." I unlocked the car and opened the door to the passenger's side.

She looked at me, then she looked down. "Can we sit in the back?"

I was confused but I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. "Okay." I shut the door and opened the back.

She got in and I followed sitting beside her. She took her bag off and held it on her lap holding it tight. She stared at the seat in front of her like a lifeless doll. I was terrified. I didn't know what she was about to say or do. But something told me not to say a word; to wait until she was ready. I watched the blank look on her face mold into a look of anguish. She leaned her head against the window and began to sob. I could've sworn someone had died. It made my skin become plagued with bumps. Dalta had cried a lot since we'd become friends but this felt different. Terrifying.

I gulped and stared at her waiting for her to talk.

She wiped her cheeks then looked down, finally taking a minute to stop her crying. "I..." a tear dropped from the tip of her nose as she trembled. "I don't even know where to start... I don't want to be this whiny person; this crybaby. But I can't stop thinking that," she began to weep again," this world isn't worth it. That life isn't worth it."

I furrowed my brows. "What are you...Dalta, what are you saying?"

She wiped her cheeks with her palms and took a deep but short breath. "I've always tried to view the world as different. I've always been told that there are good people, but so far all I've met are people who betray me. And do things that hurt other people."

I was about to say that I would never do that to her, but she spoke before I could.

"And what hurts me the most is that I'm just like the people who betray me, because I betray myself and other people so much. I can never do what's right when I want to because half of the time, I let my ego get in the way, or my selfishness or my self-hatred."

I couldn't move. I couldn't think of anything to say to her to comfort her. It was as if my brain had shut down and all I could think was "What do I say? What do I say?" Then the words I shouldn't have said slipped out of my mouth. "Dalta," I tried to speak with a soft tone, reaching over and touching her shoulder to console her, "you're amazing. You have no reason to hate yourself...Honestly. Your life is near perfect."

She turned to me with a look of both shock and disgust. "Is your life near perfect?"

I shrugged. "No-"

"So, how is mine near perfect? You don't know what I have to go through as a... a girl...person of color."

I rolled my eyes and turned away. "Not this. Dalta, listen-"

"No." She shook her head, tears streaming down her face, "you listen."

I glared at her waiting for her to yell. But instead, she looked at me with pain on her face. Tears flooded her cheeks.

"I get mocked by others, shunned by others, followed by others because statistics and stereotypes say that I'm the kind of person who would steal and hurt other people. I get called all sorts of names on the internet the moment I comment under anything by people who think that because I'm a girl or a black I deserve it."

"They're just trolls. You have to ignore them-"

"I've tried that. But it gets to a point where hearing someone telling you that you're worthless because your skin has done nothing for the world gets to you. When you have a friend, who gets in an argument with you and then switches from the person you trust to the person who calls you the n-word, you begin to dislike the world."

I froze. "Did Penny-"

"No...It wasn't Penny...but I always have this fear that a day might come when she might become that person-"

"We're not all like that-"

"I know..." She stared at me. She touched my arm and shut her eyes. "I know. But I'm still scared. I shouldn't have to be scared. I shouldn't have to be afraid to be in a relationship because I'm afraid that a guy may decide to hurt me. I shouldn't have to be afraid to go out alone. But the world says that I should be. Because so many of us are evil and selfish. If love really fixes everything...," she scoffed, "then we're going to die. Because there's not enough of it to go around."

I felt my body sink into my seat. I felt like I couldn't breathe normally; like there was some sort of pressure on my lungs. It felt as if my heart had been squeezed and worn out. Dalta was telling me that she was afraid of me because of what I looked like; white and male. It made no sense. There was so much irony within that that it made no sense whatsoever. The truth was, by appearance, I didn't know Dalta. By appearance, no one would know the other person. Dalta definitely didn't know me. The only thing I could think to do was smile.

Dalta stared at me with arched brow completely baffled by my reaction to everything she'd just told me.

"Dalta, as much as you think the world is a bad place...you have to admit that it is still worth it. I can't think that we can't be good if we're trying to be. You have to be good to want to be better. And even though I get so angry sometimes that I punch holes in walls and break things...and say things that I shouldn't, I know that I can get better and become a better person. And I want to become that... The world isn't an awesome place. It's horrible and terrifying...but we can't go about life burdening ourselves with that idea."

She bowed her head.

"We can't sit around and feel bad because our skin or gender makes someone think we're worthless. As a white person, do you think it's easy for me to hear you say things like this? I've been constantly reminded that my ancestors hurt yours, and I've been told so many times that I will never understand your pain. The truth is, at the end of the day, I'm my own person. I have my own thoughts, and I'm raised to love everyone equally. My skin says to other people that I hate you or look down on you in some way. But all we can do is prove to ourselves and to the rest of the world that the way they see us doesn't matter."

Her face brightened up a bit.

I stared at her, feeling my heart slowly healing. "To be able to look at someone and see them as...," admired her dark eyes, then nose, then hair, "something amazing regardless of what they look like...that tells me that we can be good; that we can get better."

Dalta looked down. "You're right..." A soft smile hit her cheeks and a tear ran down her nose. She wiped it away, then she looked at me. "And you're pretty smart... and I'm happy that you're the person I chose to talk to." She pursed her lips and tears filled her eyes. "You're a good person, Otis. I mean, you can get much better." She rolled her eyes and giggled.

I smiled, then looked at her lips.

"But you're a good pers-"

I quickly leaned over and kissed her. I leaned away and looked at her. She stared at me in shock, then she tucked her hair behind her ears and blushed. I smiled sitting back in the seat.

"Do you..." I looked at her. "I'm going to Peter's. I'm gonna ask him to explain what's going on." I gulped.

"I'm coming with you."

"Okay."

We both sat quiet for about ten seconds, then I looked at Dalta. She giggled and I felt my cheeks burning up so I climbed over the front seat and sat down, taking out my keys. I started the car then I looked at Dalta in the rear-view mirror. She smiled at me. It felt as if for a moment things were good. For a moment.