The Art Of Series

Losing Control: 1

I hated the gym.

I couldn't remember a time when I'd actually enjoyed morning workouts. The gruel of a two-hour session didn't bring me satisfaction or joy. It just fulfilled my daily objectives.

Wake up. Workout. Eat breakfast. Force myself to keep it down. Go to class.

Black spots began to dance across my vision, a normal occurrence in the last leg of my workout. The treadmill was easily the worst part, and I always pushed it off until the end of my workout.

The timer went off on my phone, and I slowed the treadmill down, my chest heaving as I started my cool down.

My morning workout was something I did outside of wrestling. I still had wrestling conditioning this afternoon, followed by practice. And then no doubt another evening workout.

Wrestling season only lasted a few months, but it felt like a lifetime. I no longer enjoyed the hustle of the season, the adrenaline of the meets. All I could think about was living up to the expectations that I'd set last year, making it to States again. And this time actually winning.

The pressure to perform was always prevalent in my mind. I constantly felt like I was suffocating, my anxiety rampant as I tried to meet the standards I'd set.

Bulimia was the only thing that gave me a sense of control, something nobody else could understand. I was struggling in my classes, underperforming at practice, and I'd blew my first meet of the season. But I always knew that I had the cycle to fall back on, the one that would eventually kill me.

But it was comfort when everything else was seemingly falling apart. And I needed it.

I practically stumbled off of the treadmill, my legs unsteady beneath me. I grabbed my water, finishing it off as I headed to the locker room.

Black spots were still dancing across my vision as I stepped into the sauna. I stretched out on one of the benches, allowing the steam to flush the toxins out of my body.

The steam could never flush the toxins from my mind, but I closed my eyes and allowed myself to pretend.

Pretend as though I hadn't purged my breakfast before I'd come today. Pretend as though I wasn't already, subconsciously, thinking about shoving my fingers down my throat after lunch. Pretend as though I wasn't a fucked up mess.

I stepped out of the sauna, the lightheadedness still surrounding me as I changed from my sweat-soaked gym clothes into another t-shirt and gym shorts.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, a text from Sarah. She was supposed to workout with me in the mornings, but lately she'd been ditching.

And I couldn't be happier.

My eyes brushed over my reflection in the mirror, and I forced myself to look away.

I already knew I was fat. I didn't need a mirror to remind me.

My phone dinged in my pocket as I left the gym, opting to walk back to my apartment rather than take the bus.

Time to log your breakfast!

I locked my screen, ignoring the reminder from my daily food log app.

My roommate was standing in the kitchen as I let myself in.

"You look like shit," he commented.

I'm well aware. "I just haven't been sleeping much."

He didn't look like he believed me, but he wasn't one to instigate. So he helped himself to some coffee and went back to his room.

I grabbed a granola bar out of the pantry, finishing it by the time my coffee was ready.

Three equals and a shot of espresso. That ought to hold me over.

I left my apartment before I could try to purge the granola bar. Granola ached coming back up, and my already blistered throat wasn't ready to handle that yet.

Hello & welcome to Joel's part of the series! What do you guys think so far?  It's started off a bit intense, I know. If you haven't read the other stories in the series, that's sort of the vibe we've got going here.

Joel Campbell comes from the story Saving Adam, he's the brother to the main character, Sarah Campbell. And he's such a sweetheart, so this physically hurts me to write. But he's suffered from Bulimia and continues to, and this is where his story picks up.

Teaser: Joel gets called out by Caden & makes a crucial error.

This book will update again on Wednesday.