I'm blessed to be me

CHAPTER 20

 The monsoons have begun and there are small rains here and there.

We board the bus along with the other children after a whole lot of chaos.

Really, is it that important that we attend school on such a day?

I was expecting a holiday.....

However, the day is pleasant. I manage to secure a window seat. When the bus speeds, the rain drops splash across my face, trees passing one by one, the wind gushes in messing with my stray hairs, my lips muttering along the song lines

'Nanaika theriyatha, adaimazhaiye? (hey rain, don't you know to drench?)

Nanaiya theriyatha, malarkudaiye?' (hey floral umbrella, don't you know to get drenched?)

My spirits are rising high.

Screech.

Iniya shuts my window from behind me. "Enough of your heroinism" she slams.

What a nice end .........

"Heyy" I drawl sneaking my hands to open the window but she's quick to hold them tight against me. "No" she asserts.

I give up finally and satisfy myself with gazing at the beautiful world outside through the glass window.

---------------*----------------

I'm in the canteen with Kavi and Mithran yet to be joined by Mirni, Arjun and Mugilan, immersed in my fictional world once again.

"You look like a maniac" I hear a husky voice whisper from behind me, suddenly, and my breath hitches. I feel the smile on my lips fading away, instantly and I'm spellbound. My jaw starts ticking and my left hand reflexively clutches the chair's handle.

I'm losing it again........

I look up to see Mugilan walking to his chair opposite mine.

I bury my head into the book hopelessly. But Mugilan seems to have caught on to my discomfort. "What happened?" he asks me but I don't answer.

"Nothing" Mithran replies for me.

"There is" Mugilan says with a stern voice and his scrutinizing gaze fixed on me.

"It's....it's just that she's not one for shocks" Kavi spills.

"And why is that?" he asks, again directing his question to me. My heart is still drumming.

I recover from my trance to snap "That's none of your business." But my words aren't coming out clear and Kavi signals for me to stop. Arjun and Mirni join us at the right time to divert Mugilan. However, I observe him leave my face with a marked gaze.

Great escape!

---------------*-----------------

Aha! Heavenly!

I sniff the air as I'm busy writing my physics record. The exams are approaching.

"Come on, Athisya, Iniya" my mom calls out for dinner.

As expected it's my most favourite food, idly and tomato chutney!

I love it in a different level......like, you abuse me and feed me them, I forget everything.

"Amma!" I say excitedly "they look nice"I say as I pick up one.

"Not for you" my mom squats away my hand and gives me the chilly chutney that I hate the most. Expected.....

"Amma, please,please, please" I beg "this once"

"It's for your good ma" my dad intervenes "you're allergic to them" stating the fact "eat them" he says sternly. No use pleading to him.

I turn to my mom and put on that puppy dog face "ammaa pleeasee" I drawl.

She looks at me for a moment with ruth in her eyes but "no" she snaps.

I know I'm left helpless.

"Then, I don't want any tiffin at all" I stomp off.

As soon as I reach my reading table, the controlled tears begin to fall.

Splotch, splotch.

Oh no, my record notebook!

Just then Iniya enters the room "It is soo yummy..."she says holding my most favourite food on the planet.

This infuriates me further.

I again stomp off to the bedroom past Iniya, amma and appa, dashing the door behind me. I hear my dad shouting behind me.

I sprawl across the bed and let my tears out, my heart tight with unspoken feelings. 

Those don't indicate the want of the said food but my general desperation over my inadequacies.

Why? Why should my life be designed this way? In a world that has no comfortable place and constantly keeps pushing me to a corner whenever I try to rise?

"Athisya!" my dad barges in unaware of these queries within my head. I wipe off my face hastily. "Don't be silly" she says.

Silly?

Yeah, silly!

That be what people would call me. I'm after all a teen girl with a problem and who would understand me?

"Come and eat" he orders, taking my hand. But I don't move a finger.

"I don't want any" I assert, my voice hoarse, holding back the tears that threaten to fall.

He leaves and my mother enters with a plate in his hand that holds idly and the chilly chutney "Please, darling" she says. Despite my protests, she manages to push a couple of them past my throat and hands me over the tablets that I take without a word.

Once she leaves, I close the door again and switch off the lights. I cry till my heart feels light.

Sometimes, crying doesn't mean weakness. It means you want to strengthen yourself and prepare to face the rest.

I feel Iniya and mom settling down to sleep after a while. I play one of my favourite songs to put me to sleep. And also to block my sniffing sounds.Despite all the people surrounding me, I feel lonely. Lonely in a corner where no one bothers to spare a glance.

I enter my slumber without bothering to wipe the continuously falling silent tears.

Should wash my face first thing in the morning.......

I hug my wet pillow to my chest. Right now, its presence comforts me.

What an ironic day I've had!