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42. festa

42.

JUNGKOOK'S POV
(translated)

I don't know what to do.

My members keep asking me, "what's wrong?", "what's happening?", "has it gotten better?", but, none of those questions have an answer that I can use. It's more complex than they're making it out to be.

They tell me, "just text her". Yeah— thanks. I know they are just trying to be helpful, but most of their ideas are ones that I have already tried.

It's not like we never text. I text her whenever I can. It's just different. I'm humiliated with myself whenever I read the texts over again. I want to convince myself that we are back to normal, but we really aren't. Our texts resemble that of almost strangers.

Sometimes I feel like she answers out of pity. I think one of my members told her I was crying.

FESTA is in less than five days. I'm very excited to share a Prom Party with many ARMYs during the performance, but my mind is always traveling to her.

My Jae-ya noona.

My heart aches thinking about it. If I could go back and change every decision I made, I would.

My members keep telling me that it will pass, that it will get better— but I'm not sure. Jae was very mad at me. Rightfully so. I let my company convince me it was for the better and that Jae shouldn't be as involved in what was going on.

Somehow, in some way, I thought that they were right. Why should she be exposed to things I don't even want to be exposed to? But Jae is different. She is very bold, headstrong and everything I'm not when I'm not on stage.

That's particularly why I am so upset with our communication the last week or so. She texts me as if she doesn't know me. I've scarred her, and it scares me. I don't want this to be the end.

"Jungkook-ah," Jin is grinning happily beside me.

We are currently in the waiting room for the last dry-rehearsal for FESTA. Jin and Taehyung will be going out on stage next. Me, Jin, Taehyung and RM have been sitting around for about an hour. I haven't had much to say to them lately. I guess I'm waiting in silence for the opportunity to go see her. Our schedule hasn't given me the chance.

"Hm?" I look at him.

He rolls his eyes with a smirk and hits me playfully with his arm. I shy a small smile but I don't have anything to say.

My leg is tapping anxiously, but it isn't because we will be performing soon— it's because I'm waiting for another text from Jae.

"What does she do during the day?" Jin asks me.

"Um," I bite my lip.

I'm anxiously scrolling through our texts now to see if she's indicated anything that she's been doing. Whenever I send her "what's up?", she replies with an equivalent to, "nothing really. tired".

"You don't know?" Jin's eyes goes wide.

"She lives in Bukchon Hanok Village... and takes care of her Aunt." I answer.