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60. cancel

60.

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August 6th

This morning began as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

Today, the 6th, had been a day I was anticipating for many reasons. This anticipation was enough to make me nervous— a good nervous, and a bad nervous. I was nervous for what was to come.

I was nervous for my Teen Vogue interview. I was nervous for my interview with my boyfriend's company. I was nervous for my mother to arrive. I was nervous for Jungkook to return home. These nerves were supposed to escape me during my sleep. That's why I sleep.

Sleep is to refuel and replenish what was lost during the day; however, as I've learned in these past few months, the universe does not like to side with me. All of this anticipation was leading somewhere. But where?

I can't pinpoint what I was dreaming about last night, but by the feel of my heart and the dry tears down my cheeks, I can assume it wasn't good. All of my dreams have been like this all week. When I told myself there would be a better tomorrow, it was supposed to ease my sleepiness and my days. That hasn't happened thus far.

It is impossible for me to stop dreaming about him; us— everything I have done to get to this point. I am a completely different person than I was... but I am still not the person I want to be.

These are the dreams that somehow turn into nightmares; they leave my cheeks stained and my face flushed. How can such wonderful, big aspirations require so much of my pain? It makes me question whether or not I am ever dreaming.

It was 5:05AM when David's voice called for my lost mind. He saved me from my dreams. Assuming I was saved was a premature conclusion— reality proved to be worse. The phone had been ringing for quite a while.

The phone prompted me back to this place again. The place that smells of clean polish and blinds me because of white walls and indications of sickliness.

"Cancel my meetings," my voice croaks.

I can see my breath fogging up the glass, my sweaty fingerprints smearing as my hand rests against the reflective surface. David is quiet from beside me as if anything he says will make me crack. The small breaths from my nose allow for my fingers to swirl little nothings.

I'm frozen in place out here in the hallway. Inside the room it is still; there are no more monitors flashing, medical staff inside, nor any liveliness present within the confines. I can only focus on her— the nothingness that has given peace. A peace she wanted.

"What?" David questions me.

"Cancel them," I repeat, unmoving. My eyes cannot leave her, "...my meetings."

I'm thankful he doesn't contest me. I feel David's hand slip into my sweater pocket to retrieve my phone— I don't think I can find it in me to do anything right now. The only thing I can do is stand here and stare. That's all I can do. I'm powerless.

The only one who held a power was Auntie, but she gave it away.

My mind isn't working. Time isn't working. I'm not sure if I'm in a true reality at the moment. Why am I not crying? I feel void of all the emotions that I have been exhibiting all week. As I stare at the abyss of nothingness behind the glass, all I can think about is how prepared I subconsciously was for this.