Moving In || l.r.h

• 28 •

That night was the slowest a night that has ever gone. I had never felt like that, like I wanted to collapse, throw up and scream all at the same time. When Jess came back from her date with Ashton I wanted to punch her in the face and scream that I was there first. I hadn't ever finished whatever me and Ashton were, but from the lack of contact I guess he had that in mind and I didn't want the friendship we had to be ruined. I tried to catch up with him as he walked away from the café but he just completely ignored me, making my heart tear in two.

When I got home I asked Kaela to leave, as much as I loved her company and having people around I needed time to think, space to breathe and just peace and quiet. I couldn't be around people all the time. I was a very solitary person and that hadn't changed because I had spent time with some boys. I woke up in the morning and didn't feel any better about any of it.

After getting up and brushing my teeth, I checked my phone and nothing was waiting.

I sat in my room, in the middle of the floor thinking. Overthinking. I just couldn't make sense of it all. If I liked Luke then why did it hurt when I heard Ashton had a date? Did I like Luke more than a friend? Was he actually a dick? I couldn't take all the thoughts. My mind started swirling and I eventually came to the same conclusion I usually had.

Neither of them wanted me, they were just using me because I was an easy piece if shit.

I gulped and the usual voices came back.

You're useless.

No one likes you.

You're an ugly worthless piece of shit.

I shook the thoughts out of my head but somehow they managed to crawl back in. Slowly getting louder and louder. I physically shook my head this time and tried to stop them.

They just wanted to prove they could get the suicidal girl to fall for them. They did it for their ego. It was probably a bet. They didn't even care about you.

"No!" I shouted. My hands flying to my hair and my knees up to my chin. I rocked slowly as I pulled at my hair, trying to relieve some kind of pain. It didn't work.

I felt a drop of water on my bent knee and I realised I had started crying as the voices continued. I couldn't do it not again. I promised Kaela and Luke.

Luke doesn't care about you. He would be here if he did.

"You're lying!" I screamed, my voice barely even recognizable, it was shaky and broken. My breathing became harder and harder and I knew that it only meant one thing. It was going to get worse and worse unless I did it. Unless I went back into that drawer.

I tried to stand up but my legs collapsed underneath me. I landed on my hands but they fell through too and I smashed my face on the floor, crying out in pain as I felt the corner of my bed come in contact with my eye.

I pushed up again, this time stronger and steadied myself. I needed to get to my bathroom.

That's it come on.

Do it. You deserve to be in pain.

I completely given in now. They knew best, they always knew best.

I whimpered as took a few unstable steps, my eye throbbing. Eventually I made it to the bathroom. I sat on the edge of the bath, stopping my legs from collapsing yet again and causing more questionable bruising. I lent over to the drawer and opened it. Sucking in a large breath as I saw what I desperately needed. My blades.

Reaching for them, I sighed when I felt their familiar cold harshness. No one would understand the comfort they brought to me.

Come on. Hurry up. Do it. Cut. Deeper!