thirteenth doctor one shots (old)

sadness - 13 x yaz

trigger warning: suicide

The Doctor titled her head backwards, trying to stop the tears from escaping her eyes. Her breathing was uneven and ragged, her skin red and blotchy, her throat dry. The tiredness she felt was indescribable, even though she couldn't fall asleep; she was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted - yet her body wouldn't allow her to rest.

She couldn't do this anymore. She couldn't put herself through living anymore. The whole universe was dependant on her and she couldn't take it. When in her previous self, she felt like this, but gave herself another chance to start over, to continue helping people, to continue giving people the best experiences of their life. She allowed herself to keep on living, and little did she know how much torture that was going to be for her. She just wanted to have peace, to rest. Her friends at the time were wonderful and had brought so much happiness to her life. It wasn't enough.

Each of them brought a new perspective to every adventure, a new thought or question, and each helped to save people's lives every time. Yaz, though, was brilliant. She'd shed light and happiness into everyday. Not even that. She was kind, cute, intelligent, funny, and beautiful.It still wasn't enough. She couldn't even guarantee Yaz felt the same way, and the amount of times she put people in danger made her feel like a burden.

So she decided that she was going to end it. End her life. She knew how to delay her regeneration until it was too late because of how close she had come many times before, so she was definitely not going to fail this time. A plan had already been made - there was no turning back now. Ryan, Graham and Yaz were in the other rooms doing what they please, and she was going to drop them home to let them see their family or home once again. She'd drop them home for the last time. And not come back.

Taking a deep breath, she calmed herself, wiped her eyes, and walked into the control room where the rest of the team were, chatting amongst themselves. The Doctor coughed to get their attention:

"Right! I'm going to drop you lot back home so you don't get too homesick! I'll be back soon of course, but I'll let you guys do your own thing," She plastered a smile onto her face.

"Sounds good," Ryan nodded as the alien pulled the lever to send the TARDIS flying to Earth. A low thump signified the end of the journey, and both Ryan and Graham walked out casually, yelling a 'thanks' and a 'goodbye' for the last time. They'd walked out of the woman's vision for the last time.

"Are you okay, Doctor?" The Doctor was jolted out of her thoughts by Yaz, whom had stayed behind."Er," She wiped away the newly formed tear on her cheek.

"Yeah, yeah, all good," The concerned look had not been wiped from her face. "Are you sure?"

"Yep," The Doctor nodded. She hated lying.

"Okay," She smiled sadly. "Thank you for all of this, Doc. It's been so, so amazing," Yaz ran her hand through the Doctor's hair and planted a kiss on her forehead. "Goodbye, Doc. See you soon."

"Goodbye, Yaz," She mumbled.

And with that, Yaz said goodbye to the Doctor for the last time. The Doctor pulled the lever of the TARDIS, sending it into deep space.

"Oh, old girl, it's been a good run, hasn't it?" She stroked the console. "But it's time for it to end. Like all things must do. It's time for us to rest," She gave one last sad smile and clicked her fingers, walking through the opened TARDIS doors into space. She let herself die in front of the most beautiful array of stars in the galaxy.

Hey Doc,

It's been about a week since you dropped us off. I just wondered when you're going to come back?

Hope all is well,

Yaz x (I remembered how to send letters from that time you explained it to us. Hopefully it reaches you.)

Hey Doctor,

It's been a month now. Ryan, Graham & I are worried. Please respond. We miss you. I miss you.

Yaz x

Doctor,

It's been too long - about a year now.

Graham's cancer has come back. It doesn't look good. He thanks you for the amazing times you gave him.

Ryan is still training to be a mechanic. His dyspraxia holds him back a lot.

I finished my training to become a police officer. I enjoy it, but... I miss the times with you. I miss being on planets with weird aliens. I miss being in danger and saving lives. I miss you.

I just want you back. Please. I never even told you... but I love you. I always have. You're beautiful, smart, caring and intelligent. And so, so kind. I'm sorry I never told you.

Please come back.

Yaz. X