thirteenth doctor one shots (old)

time to rest - thirteen x yaz

(rewrite of 'sadness', much better) 

pls read 'expectations', it's a thasmin story i have written, check on my profile

TW: DARK THEMES AND SUICIDE

The Doctor tilted her head back, an attempt to stop the tears from escaping her eyes and rushing down her blotchy, red face. Her breathing was ragged and uneven, her grip tight on the console she leaned against. Her throat was dry, a lump growing there, her hearts beating harshly, small whines escaping her lips as she struggled. She stared at the ceiling of the TARDIS, failing to regulate her breathing. Her body ached, the want for sleep consumed her, yet any previous attempt to do so had been unsuccessful - her body simply wouldn't let her rest with what was on her mind.

She couldn't do it anymore, she couldn't continue living, she couldn't continue helping and saving the universe day-to-day, it just wasn't possible. She'd seen too much, lost too much, failed too much, and it was time for her to stop. The thought of carrying on held too much weight. This version of the Doctor was supposed to be one last chance, another go, another try at getting new friends and travelling the universe in her box. It almost worked. It felt like a fresh start, in the beginning, new best friends and a bunch of places to visit. But then she saw people die, places burn, her own home planet on fire - and she was reminded of the reality of her position in the universe. Her freedom to travel came with a price, and she had paid that price for billions of years and several regenerations and so she'd travelled enough.

Her friends had given her so much new wisdom and insight, each with their little lives and stories and questions, their own perspectives and wonder. Yet, it wasn't enough. The Doctor wanted to rest, to have peace. Eternal peace.

Yaz - oh, Yaz - was enough to make her question her decision, however, with her open-mind, intelligence, humour, beauty. Oh, how the Doctor loved spending time with Yasmin Khan, the fuzzy feeling she'd receive and the warmth in her cheeks almost made her realise she was in love with her. The thought was wiped away as soon as it arose of course; there was no guarantee the feelings were returned, and the Doctor's fear of harming Yaz came before anything else. She had her own life, back on Earth, and it was selfish for the Timelord to whisk her away for months at a time and put her in danger. Better for the Doctor to choose for her, to keep her in safety, than to keep her for her own company.

The tears all escaped her eyes at once, etching paths down her skin, coating her eyelashes with salty warmth and trailing down her neck. She looked down now and took several deep breaths, then wiping her eyes. She remained like this for multiple minutes in silence as she returned to her usual manner. After one final deep breath, she pulled a lever, sending her down to Earth, and called out for her companions. One by one, they entered the console room from where they'd been resting around the ship, all with their smiles and energy, rearing to go on another adventure.

"Heya, fam!" The Doctor grinned. "I'll drop you all home for a tad, I've got a things to repair in this ol' thing and it's best if ya stay out,"

"Alright, Doc," Graham went to leave. "I'm going to the chippy for lunch, anyone joinin'?"

"Of course!" Ryan grinned. "Bye, Doctor, see you soon,"

The Doctor smirked, a glimmer of sadness in her eyes. "Bye, you two. Have fun,"

The two men left, leaving the two women in the console room.

"You okay, Doctor?" Yaz asked, stepping into close proximity with the blonde woman.

"I'm always okay!" she smiled.

"You sure you don't want anyone here with you?" Yaz persisted.

The Doctor hesitated for seemingly eternity, her mouth agape, unsure how to reply.

"No," She finally let out. She hated lying. "It's safer if you go,"

"Okay. I'm always a phone call away, yeah?" the Doctor nodded. It looked as though the two were going to embrace, yet remained longing for one another. "And... thank you, for everything."

The Doctor hesitated again. "It's my pleasure, Yasmin Khan."

"Well-" Yaz didn't want to leave. "I'll leave you to it. See you later, yeah?"

She wanted to agree with her, that they'd catch up in a jiffy and go to another planet for another adventure, but she couldn't. "Goodbye, Yaz," the Doctor smiled, her lip slightly quivering.

Yaz paused for a moment then went, and she was left, in an empty spaceship, the silence screaming into her ears. A lever was pulled, sending the ship into deep space, in the constellation of Kasterborous.

"Well, old girl," the Doctor let her tears run down freely now. "It's time to rest, eh?" There was a melancholic beeping noise. "Time for it to come to an end. Like all things must."

And with that, she clicked her fingers and sat on the edge of her box, the TARDIS shield down, letting herself die watching her home planet in the most beautiful array of stars she knew.

Hey Doctor,

It's been a month now. Ryan, Graham & I are worried. Please respond. We miss you. I miss you.

Yaz x

Hey.

I had a feeling you'd be gone for a while.

If you're out there, somewhere, just know that I miss you. It's been years but I think of you every day, and as time goes on I start to believe its a dream. But I look at your contact name in my phone and it's like it was all happening yesterday. I'm a police officer now, quite high up, since I've had nothing to do but my job. Ryan's down south, being a mechanic. Graham's gone. His cancer was too vigorous. He wanted to say goodbye to you.

I need you so badly. I love you. I always have, and I suppose you and I suspected that, pushing it away as if we had all the time in the world. I was so young.

I suppose it's time that I try to move on. I won't ever forget you or the times we had together. You showed me the wonders of the universe and yet you were still the most wonderful thing to me.

If you ever come back, just say hi. Please.

See you later.

Yaz. x

The feelings were returned, in the end. A wise old Timelord like the Doctor wouldn't have realised such things when she was alive. Or maybe she would have, if she spent another day with the police officer from Sheffield, had another conversation, or let Yaz stay with her. They could've lived. Happily, too.