thirteenth doctor one shots (old)

distant (thirteen x yaz)

(tw: angst)
set after yaz's undercover work in vor headquarters

Yasmin felt every minute tick by as she sat on the edge of her bed, giving the wall a constant, blank stare. She didn't feel like herself; instead, everything felt numb. There was no light behind her eyes, no spark, no life, no happiness, no sadness. Absolutely nothing. She felt as though she, herself, was a shell of a human, just like that girl at the MI6 headquarters, all of her DNA rewritten so she was just skin and bone. It made Yaz want to scream at the top of her lungs and claw at her own skin to try and escape from this feeling, but, instead, she stared at the wall, the feeling of nothing about to swallow her whole. 

No one knew what happened to her when she disappeared for those five hour long minutes, not even the Doctor, which made the situation even worse. The most intelligent woman Yaz knew, didn't even know what happened to her, and as she was sat on the edge of her bed, she wondered if the Doctor even cared to know. It felt like there was a barrier that had arisen between the two women, some sort of emotional distance, even before the companion was affected by the aliens. Yaz had suspected it when she and Ryan were sent off separately to do undercover work, but now the Doctor hadn't come to check up on her at all after what happened, that she knew. 

This thought could only just rip through the numb feeling and reach any sort of emotion within the shell of her body, which made sense. Only the Doctor could spark any emotion in Yaz, and with her distance, she was helpless. Left to sink in her own emptiness.

There was a knock at her door.

"Hiya, Yaz, tea's ready," Graham peered his head round the door frame. Yaz gave a small nod and followed her friend into one of the TARDIS's kitchens, moving for the first time in several hours. She joined Ryan at the counter, glaring at her plate of roast dinner. 

"How are you feeling, Yaz?" Ryan asked, through a mouthful of roast potatoes, his hand covering his mouth in case of any projectile food. Yaz shrugged her shoulders, staring at her lap, tears welling up in her eyes. She excused herself from the counter immediately and began to walk back to her room, tears streaming down her face, dripping onto on her clothes. There was no emotion behind these tears, or maybe it was the only feeling Yaz had left, trying to escape, trying to make itself heard.

The corridor seemed to stretch for miles with no sight of any doors to any room. Not even the kitchen she'd previously exited was in sight. Yaz walked for another ten minutes before she caught sight of any door, and even then, it lead to the console room, where the Doctor was likely situated - the last person she wanted to see in this state. Instead of complying with the TARDIS's obvious plan to make her see the Timelord, she kept walking down the repeating corridor. The console room appeared again. 

Yaz found herself finally walking into the room, with no sight of the Doctor. She examined the console in the middle of the seemingly infinite room, mostly covered by mist, almost admiring the complexity of the controls. She perched on the steps up to the console, tears still paving ways down her face. 

A gentle hand place itself on Yaz's shoulder.

"Ryan, I'm fine," she said in response. 

"Yaz," a voice croaked, definitely not Ryan's, and sat close to Yaz. "I'm sorry,"

She looked up, a pair of old, wise eyes looking into her own, feeling a spark in her chest. It was the first time she noticed any age in the Doctor's eyes.

"I put you in danger," the Doctor said. "You could've died, and it was my fault. I can't lose you,"

Yaz remained silent.

"I'm sorry I've been distant, too," she looked down at her lap. "I felt myself becoming too involved. It's happened too many times before, and I just, don't want it to happen again. I've lost more than you would know. I can't lose someone else I love." 

A single, meaningful tear rolled down Yasmin's face. 

"Doctor, I don't feel like myself anymore," Yaz whispered. "I don't think I'm Yaz anymore. What happened to me?" Fear was painted across her face.

"I don't know," she held Yaz's hands with her own. "But, whatever happened, we will work it out. We will get through this together. I am never leaving your side again."

Yaz let out a sob. The Doctor cradled Yaz's body as she cried into her shoulder, stroking her hair, and left a kiss on her forehead.