Roller coaster [m.c] book 1

21 ☹ high

August 3rd

"Have you ever seen a baby pigeon?" Luke randomly said.

"no, I haven't." I laughed.

It's 3 am and Luke is high. Yes, high. I got Luke to try it, even tho it burned his throat a lot, but he still tried it. He is currently sitting on the floor, trying to catch the smoke, which was all over my room on my black carpet, as I was sitting in my bed laughing at him.

My phone started to ring and I laugh looking at Luke tumble over.

"Yes?"

"Hi Eileen."

"Oh hey Michael!"

"Where's Luke, he hasn't come home yet."

"He's staying with me."

"Ah, can I talk to him?"

"Well, I don't know, maybe? listen he's high."

Michael laughed at me and told me just to give him the phone.

"Aye Michael what's shaking bacon?"

"I miss you luke."

"I miss you too now michael did you take your happy pills?" Luke laughed while muttering 'happy pills'

"Yes I did, I took my happy pills, and I'm fine. You weren't answering your calls. I got very worried."

"Babe I'm finneeeeeeee"

"Oh my god you really are high."

"Eileen we need to listen to sofa okay by Ed Sheeran he's great."

"Okay Luke when you get home can you uh, bring me some?"

"Some what mate?"

"Uh weed"

"Its El's but I'll ask" Luke covered the phone with his hand and asked me if Michael could have some weed. "Let me have the phone." I said as Luke gave me the phone.

"Michael, why would you want weed?"

"We all need something to take the pain away."

"weed isn't a good thing to 'take away the pain'."

"well it's better than cutting!"

"okay, I'll give you some, only on one condition. You throw away your blades."

"No way!"

"No weed for you I guess."

"That's ok with me." then he hung up. I sighed loudly as I look over to Luke.

"I tried that so many times. It won't work. ohhHHHHH WELLLLLLLL." he said as he got up and spun around with his hands out wide.

"Eileen, I heard some noise what-" My brother opened the door to see Luke spinning around with smoke all over my room.

"Eileen, you're so fucking lucky I love you. I'm not telling mom, youre welcome."

"But why would you even care? You've seen worse."

"I can go and tell mom right now that there is a 18 year old boy high in your room."

"Fine! Okay thanks Dexy, just, go."

Dexy left the room, closing the door. I get up and lock the door, and make sure no one walks in. Why didn't I lock it before? I sigh as I look over at Luke who was laying on the floor looking up at my ceiling.

"What if we could fly?"

"We could escape our problems easier." I laughed sitting on my bed.

---

~~NEXT DAY~~

"Eileen." Michael said to me looking from his phone and looking at me.

"Yes?" I said locking my phone.

"I'm 3 days clean." He said with a smile on his face.

"I'm so proud of you." I said smiling slightly.

"I'm not thinking about suicide as much anymore."

"I'm so proud of you."

"I feel bad because Luke is so stressed about me being so depressed."

"At least you know he cares."

"He cares too much."

"You can never care too much."

"Should I- I tell the boys? I want them to know because they're starting to realize that I'm sad."

"It would be best to tell them. but if you don't want too it's fine."

"I want to tell them."

"Want to call them, or see them?"

"Talk to them. Can you come with me? you know for moral support?"

"Of course."

---

At the cafe me and Michael had our 'date', Ashton, Luke, and Calum was sitting in a booth, with me at the very end, michael in the middle, luke at the end, and calum across from me and Ashton across from Michael.

"Guys, I got to tell you something." Said michael getting nervous. I grabbed his hand from under the table. He helped me, and I'll help him.

"Anything." Said Ashton.

Michael signed and looked at his lap.

"I have highly severe depression. I cut myself and I tried to commit suicide 25 times. I dye my hair every time I commit suicide, a fresh start. Luke knows because he walked in on me cutting, and Eileen knows because Luke told her. I didn't tell you guys because I didn't want you to worry about me. I don't eat as much because when I'm sad, I don't eat. And as you can see I'm always sad. I don't know why it happened or why I'm depressed. It's not the hate, or how much my parents hate me; I don't blame them I hate me too. Maybe it because no one likes me, I will never find someone who loves me. Or maybe it's the way I look. I'm sorry. I'm trying my best not to feel sad, but Ashton you know how it feels, don't you? I'm just so sad. I can't stop cutting and it's gotten worse. I'm 3 days clean and I'm usually never 2 days clean. I'm very sorry. I really am."

Ashton and calum looked shocked. Ashton had tears in his eyes and calum was refusing to let them fall.

"When did this start." Ashton said quietly.

"1 year ago."

"Oh my god." Calum whispered. "I've been friends with you forever, you're my brother, how did I not notice."

"No one did calum. I didn't even tell Luke. He found out and that was when I had emo hair."

"This is all my fault." Ashton said. "If I never told everyone about me cutting, you wouldn't gotten the idea and you would've been the old happy michael we know. Why did I have to do that."

"Ashton look at me."

Ashton looked up. His cheek were red with tears falling down. "None of this was your fault. Or any of your faults. I was broken for a long time and cutting was my only option. You didn't get it from you. I got it from my own idea." Michael rolled up his sleeves to reveal his scars on his forearm and Calum and Ashton gasped with tears falling down. Calum put his hand over them touching each and everyone with a tear rolling down his cheek.

"We want to help you." Calum said and Ashton nodded.