The adventures of Sad Sammy, and friends.

An almost expected journey

Once upon a time there was a little boy.  (Just to clarify; I'm pretty sure there was also a little girl, and I'm not being intentionally sexist by only mentioning a boy. This story just happens to start this way. I don't decide these things.)  He lived with his mother in a lovely little brownstone that some delusional chap had decided to build dead in the middle of a cow field. The contractor was not dead, and neither was the brownstone. That's just a phrase that some old English dude thought made sense. The boy's father, however, was dead; killed in that very cow field by one of its resident deranged cows, when he was a young boy... When the little boy was a young boy, not when the father was a young boy.

Anyway, so this boy lived with is psychologically challenged mother in a cow field. They had everything they ever needed. Actually, all they had was milk. And even then only a little milk, because most of the cows were evil and wouldn't let you touch them for a million dollars. Mostly due to the fact that cows have no actual comprehension of paper money.

Okay so... Back to the story... One day the little boy was reading a newspaper - A very odd occurrence due to the facts that  A) All the newspaper boys were terrified of the literal man-eating cows, so they rarely actually delivered them, and B) The little boy could not read. So I suppose he was actually just kind of staring at the letters and being confused - when he saw a lovely full-color image (though he did not realize this as he was colorblind) Of an... ... Actually, since he could not read he had no idea what it was, but it looked delicious, and since he had only ever eaten curdled milk he decided he must have some of this mystery delight.

Little boy: "Muuuuum"

Mother: "Whaaaat?"

Little boy: "May I go into town?"

Mother: "Whyyyyy?"

Knowing that his mother was not a fan of mystery foods, the little boy came up with a quick lie.

Little boy: "To visit a friend."

This was a good lie (Disclaimer: No lie is a good lie. They will all drag you into the abyss.) because his mother was always trying to get him to make friends, which he didn't want to do because all friends did was take your toys and steal your happiness.

Mother: "Ooooooh. of course! Tell your little friend hi!"

Little boy: "Don't worry. I will."

And, after collecting enchanted armor, his great grandfather's samurai sword, and fifty-two talismans of good luck, he left the building.

Using stealth tactics developed in the early nineteenth century by esteemed cow avoidance ninja Vache Heifer, They boy (Whose name was Sammy by the way.) managed to sneak through the cow pasture with only one run in. That being with a tribe of savage cows who almost boiled him alive until he managed to bribe his way out with promises of extraordinary foods from far off lands. The cows, being unable to purchase things at grocery stores, (That whole paper-money problem) and also bored of the subpar pasture grass, made him promise to bring back fifteen bushels of the stuff. (Sammy, of course, could not afford that, but luckily for him, the cows didn't actually know how big or small one bushel was, let alone fifteen) But judging as how most people were gored on sight, those talismans were obviously working.

Stepping off the farmland was an entirely new experience for Sammy. He found himself on a sort of strange hard strip that cut through the fields. It had strange markings of various lengths running down the center of it and was wide enough for a whole chain of Hippy Protestors (or prostitutes. whatevs. no judging here.) to make a line across it. Sammy was perplexed; what was this thing? He finally decided to call the one person he thought might know what this strange thing was. It wasn't because this contact was especially smart or anything. It was just that Sammy only knew two people (His father would have made three... But...) And one being his mother who had never been off the farm either, he really only had one option. So he dialed up his cousin that he'd met once.

*Ring* *Ring*

Larry: " 'Lo?"

Sammy: "Hello cousin Larry, This is Sammy. I have a question."

Larry: "That's like, a crazy story dude."

Sammy: "Uuuum. Well... You see..."

Larry: "Bro, man, I totally, like, get you."

Sammy: "So there's this thing, and um, it's kinda flat, and cold, and dark.."

Larry: "Fam, you talking about your soul again? 'Cause like, We've been over this."

Sammy: "Uum, well no. You see, I'm standing on it?"

Larry: "You're standing on your soul?"

Sammy: "Oh. Well. No. You see, this thing, it's kind of like a floor, but outside see, and, um, It's, um, kinda stripey?"

Larry: "Duuuuude. Is it like, a zebra skin rug? but outside? Fam. That's like, lit."

Sammy: "Uuum... no. It's kind of dark?"

Larry: "Dude. Like. What color is it?"

Sammy: "..."

Larry: "Oooooh, faaaam, I forgot man... So is it like, as soft as like, a pillow? Or as hard as like.... Divison?"

Sammy: "Uum... It's kinda like division I guess?"

Larry: "Bro.. That's hard."

Sammy: "..."

Larry: "..."

Sammy: "..."

Larry: "... OH WAIT! Are the stripes like, in the middle?"

Sammy: "Yes! Yes they are!"

Larry: "Duuude, it's like, a road man."

Sammy: "A... Road?"

Larry: "Yeah fam, they're like, smooth, and like, cars and stuff go on them? They're like, totally tubular."

Sammy: "Larry, it's flat, not at all like a tube."

Larry: "Wut fam?"

Sammy: "Nevermind. So it's a, um, road?"

Larry: "Yeah fam, they like, connect cities and stuff."

Sammy: "So... I could potentially follow it in any direction and eventually find a city?"

Larry: "That's how the legend goes man."

Sammy: "Do cities have supermarkets?"

Larry: "Yeah man! They have like, everything! It's totally bogus."

Sammy: "Thank you Larry."

Larry: "No problem fam... Hey, what..."

But Sammy had already hung up. He chose a direction and continued his journey to find the mysterious food.

To Be Continued