I lay there wide awake as the tears spilled from my eyes onto my pillow. The dream of my father seemed so real, so intense and I knew that I'd never be able to get back to sleep after that. Jared, however, was sound asleep next to me and the last thing I wanted to do was wake him. He was so sweet to clear his schedule to be there so I didn't have to go through all of this bullshit alone. It was the most unselfish thing that any man had ever done for me and I could honestly say without a doubt that I was completely in love with him. I mean, I knew that I was, but until now there was always a little doubt in the back of my mind, was I really in love?
I leaned up on one elbow facing him and admiring the way the moonlight was shining through the window and casting light on his perfect features. I wasn't expecting his eyes to open. "Can't sleep?" He asked in a low, quiet voice as he pulled himself up on one arm like me.
"It was only a dream, but I don't want to keep you up." I whispered back.
I could almost feel the sympathy in his blue eyes as he stared at me. "I wish I knew what I could do to help you. Are you positive that you don't want to take something to help you sleep?" Earlier in the day Jason suggested that I take one of my mother's Valium. The doctor prescribed them for her since she hadn't been sleeping well, but of course I refused. My stomach had also been upset for days now and this morning there was a scratchiness in the back of my throat.
That's all I needed now was to get sick.
"No." I shook my head and he moved closer, wrapping his arms around me. The nights were so much worse than days for me. It was almost as if a demon waited in the shadows until I tried to sleep, and then he'd creep out to drag me off to this horrible dark place. A place where pain knows no end or limit, and no matter how hard I tried to leave, I couldn't. "This week I've felt more pain than I knew a person could bare. I just want it to stop for a little while."
Pushing me on my back, he stared down at me. There was no smile on his face, only the hot intensity of what was about to happen. My body immediately responded to his gentle touch and for the first time in a week everything else became unimportant. At that moment I was only alive in the present, all thoughts of the past or future instantly melted away. I had no idea that he was capable of being such a passionate, gentle lover. I did have a taste of it in New York on the last night I was there, but this was just unparalleled.
In the morning when my eyes opened, the first thing I noticed was the empty space next to me. Jared was already up and after lying there for a few minutes longer, that hollow empty feeling was starting to return.
Reluctantly, I pulled my lazy ass from the bed and put my pajamas back on. I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen to make myself some coffee. Noticing the eerie quiet I looked out the window to watch Jason and my mother in the backyard talking. "Yep, she's smoking." Jasmin stretched as she entered the kitchen. I watched her pace back and forth in the garden. The lit cigarette in her hand was visible from where I stood. My father would be so upset about it, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything to her.
"Fabulous." I prepared my daily dose of caffeine for the day and headed back upstairs. Noticing that Jared was still in the shower, I continued on to my bedroom. Hearing the text alert before I could even open my door, I knew that it was Luke. He was probably responding to my text from the night before. I crawled to the center of the bed and placed the mug on the nightstand before picking up my phone. Looking up when I heard the door close, I watched Jared walk across the room wearing my pink robe.
It was way too short for him, but he didn't seem to care as he shoved his toothbrush into his bag. Spinning around when he saw me looking at him, he smiled back at me. "Good morning."
Dropping the phone, I crawled to the foot of the bed and raised up on my knees so that I was the same height as him. "Thank you for last night it was fucking amazing and I was finally able to get some sleep." I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer. Even though my heart still ached, my feelings for Jared only seemed to strengthen in the past week.
"You needed the sleep." He grinned. "Yes, the sex too, but I'm just happy to see a smile on your beautiful face, I've missed that." He leaned in for a kiss, "I'm going to get dressed. Who is that?" He asked when my text alert sounded again. I saw him turn and begin digging through his bag looking for a certain shirt.
"It's Luke, he's answering the message I sent him last night about going back to New York." I took a sip of my coffee and cringed. "My throat hurts a little this morning so I hope I don't get you sick."
He froze, hearing my words and twisted back to look at me, throwing his hand in the air. "Woah, wait, I don't think that's a good idea. Jennifer, you're not ready for that, I mean, come on last night you were so..."
"Stop." Immediately, I was annoyed with him. "I know what's best for me." I could hear the tone of resentment in my voice as I spoke to him. He didn't want me to get back into my everyday routine because I wasn't ready? "I had to. If I can simply get back to the way things were before, I wouldn't have time to sit and think about it. I wouldn't even have time to cry."
He pulled the pants up his legs and glared at me. "And at night? What are you going to do when you're totally alone in your hotel room in New York and I'm in LA?" He pulled the robe off and threw it on the bed. He put his hands on his hips and began to pace back and forth. "I understand that you want things to appear to be normal, but the fact is they will never be like they were before. No matter where you are or who you're with, there will be something to remind you of him. It could be someone who looks like him, or a certain scent that will spark a memory and before you know it, you're having another breakdown. Now, I'm not saying never go back, but goddamn, it's just been a week. Give yourself enough time to grieve."
"How long is that, Jared? What's the time frame for something like that? A month or maybe two? Since you seem to have all the answers, maybe when you figure it out you can let me know." I got up and walked out, slamming the door behind me.
I knew he could hear my angry footsteps on the hardwood floors in the hallway. Stopping in front of my father's music room, I pushed the door open and entered. Once inside, I instantly started having flashbacks of my childhood. For a week, I avoided going inside of that room, but suddenly found myself oddly comforted near all of my father's favorite belongings. I closed the door behind me and ran my finger along the pool table.
I hated the way I spoke to Jared and could hear my father's voice in my ear telling me to go apologize to him.
I sat on the leather couch that dad just had to have and laughed, remembering the day that they struggled to get it up the stairs and into the room. It was dads favorite place to go when my uncle Tony would come over. The two of them would disappear for hours, playing pool and listening to music. Lying across the couch, I stared up at the ceiling, feeling like I was definitely coming down with the flu. The stuffy nose and sore throat came on suddenly and I worried that it may interfere with my plans of going back to work.
It ate at me the more I thought about the way I snapped at Jared. I wasn't certain how long I sat there before I finally got my ass up and walked back to the bedroom. He wasn't there, but his phone was and God knows he will never move far without it. I decided to shower before going to look for him.
The phone was in the exact same spot when I returned. I dressed quickly and headed down the hallway toward the stairs almost running into him. He stopped to grab me by the arm to steady me and we both started talking at the same time. I smiled as he told me to go first. "I just wanted to apologize for the way I spoke to you."
He bit his bottom lip, listening to me. "I should apologize also, I'm sorry for trying to tell you what to do. You can make your own decisions and don't need my attitude." He held the brown paper bag up. "I got you some soup."
We talked things over and I decided that I'd take another week off. I was set to fly back to New York next Monday, but unfortunately, I only got sicker as the week passed. By Friday night I was in the ER.
