Out of My Control [bxb]

Chapter 31

NSFW

Anxiety takes over my entire body, and I open my mouth to take my 'I love you' back, but then I close it. I don't want to take it back. This is how I feel and I want him to know that even if he needs more time to tell me he loves me.

"Reid, I-" his mouth is still ajar, but nothing comes out.

My heart aches at that, but part of me knew he wasn't ready to tell me. "It's okay," I tell him honestly. "You don't have to say it back to me right now, but I've felt this for a while. And I just needed to tell you." Then for some dumbass reason, I spill out more. Apparently, not caring that Grayson didn't say it back.

"I've never met someone like you and I don't think I ever will. You make me more confident in myself, you make me a better person. You challenge me and- and support me. No one's ever been able to calm me down like you do. When I feel panicked, just having you hold me relaxes me. You're beautiful inside and out. I'm in love with you, Grayson Clarke. Mind, body, and soul."

After my confession outburst, Grayson looks away from me. I suddenly feel nervous. I said too much and freaked him out! Fuck, why do I always run my mouth when I'm with him?

Grayson slips his hands out of mine and covers his face. Something is wrong. When something goes wrong, I react in one of two ways; panic attack or word vomit. Word vomit seems to be the way to go tonight.

"I freaked you out, didn't I? I- I'm not asking you to marry me," I laugh nervously, "I just have such strong feelings for you that I've never felt before, and- and I don't know how to express them properly, so I- I thought I'd tell you, but maybe it was too much, and I don't want you to feel pressured into saying anything else 'cause I truly don't expect-"

Grayson cuts my flustered, run-on sentence off by pressing his lips to mine, his hands capturing my face. I'm shocked, to say the least, but kiss him back nonetheless. Then I taste something wet and salty between our lips and pull back. Grayson's crying. He rarely cries.

"Grayson-" I begin to say worriedly but am cut off again with the shake of his head.

"My turn," he tells me, so I shut my mouth. "You didn't freak me out." Grayson tells me then chuckles as he wipes his tears away. "I've just never heard someone say something like that to me. Something so honest and raw, I just... Fuck, I'm never this emotional," he mutters while looking up, trying to blink his tears away before looking back at me. "I can't beat your confession, but I need you to know that I feel so strongly for you."

I try not to look too disappointed at that.

Grayson continues, "I'm- I'm sorry, I know that's not what you wanted to hear."

"It's okay," I reassure him, placing my hand on his thigh. It is okay, but fuck, does it suck not to hear him say it back to me. My throat feels dry, so I'm grateful when Grayson speaks again.

He shakes his head once more, "it's just... I've- I've said those words to someone before and when it doesn't work out, those words are wasted and I'm scared of me fucking this up and I just want to be a hundred percent certain about my feelings for you because that's what you deserve. So, I'm sorry, I just can't say that to you right now."

I nod, though I'm still trying to wrap my head around what he's saying. I'm not quite sure what to say, but I don't have to because Grayson continues. "Maybe that's stupid and maybe it's not a big deal, but those three words are meaningful to me."

Now I'm the one to shake my head, "It's not stupid. Saying 'I love you' is meaningful to me too, which is why I told you that. And even though you didn't say it back to me, I don't regret it. You don't have to be on my timeframe for what you're feeling. And that's okay," I tell him truthfully.