Out of My Control [bxb]

Chapter 9

I don't even drive a block down the road before the familiar feeling of a panic attack erupts through me again. Two in one night? I pull my car over to the side of the road in front of a playground and put it in park. After shutting off my car, I get out and practically fall into the grass.

I bring my knees up to my chest and rock back and forth. "I kissed him. Why the fuck would you do that, Reid!" I begin hyperventilating and pulling at my hair while tears stream down my face. I can't be gay! My parents would disown me! They'd send me away to some Christian camp!

I look up at the dark sky and scream, "Why would you do this to me, God?! I don't get it! Are you testing me? Is this a test to see how loyal I am to you?!" Burying my head in my knees, I sob "Please help me!"

Why did I push him away like that? I was so mean to him while he was trying to comfort me. Fuck, I've ruined everything! "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

Knowing I can't sit out alone in the dark, especially while having a panic attack, I tremble as I pull out my phone from my pocket and dial Preston's number. They should be out of the movies by now.

He picks up on the fourth ring. "A suh dude," he says playfully through the phone.

"I c-can't breathe. I don't know wha- what to do. I-"

"Woah, woah, Reid calm down. Take deep breaths," he tells me with a concerning tone.

"I can't!" I yell, clutching tighter onto my hair with my free hand.

"Yes, you can. Let go of your hair and take a deep breath," he instructs sternly as if he can see me right now. Preston's helped me through so many of my panic attacks, it doesn't surprise me that he knows exactly how I'm reacting.

I take a shaky breath and release the hand that was taking hold of my hair.

"Just tell me where you are," Preston softly demands.

"I don't know where I am! I'm in- in some random n- neighborho- hood," I tell him through hiccups.

"It's okay. You're fine. Send me your location, okay?"

I nod even though he can't see me. I put my phone on speaker and go to my messages. Once I find Preston's name, I send him my location.

"I got it," Preston tells me. "I'm on my way."

"Wait! My- my car is here, bring someone with you t- to drive it."

"Alex is with me, we'll be there in a sec." I hear rustling around through the phone and then a car door shutting. "I'm gonna give the phone to Alex, talk to him, okay?"

I hear some more rustling before Alex begins to speak. "Hey, buddy. We're actually not too far away from where you are. How you feeling?" He asks cautiously.

"This is so embarrassing," I sob, my body shaking and the need to grip my hair consumes me.

"Don't cry. You don't have to be embarrassed. We're your friends, Reid. You know we would never judge you, or laugh at you for something like this."

I know they wouldn't, but that doesn't mean I want my friends to see me as a pathetic mess. I take a few more breaths to get myself to calm down a little.

"I'm sorry," I whisper and hang up the phone, even though they told me not to.

What am I going to say to them when they get here? Obviously, they are going to ask what happened. I can't tell them that I freaked out after making out with Grayson Clarke. I can't lose my best friend over that. I just need to avoid Grayson at all costs. I'll go to confession and I'll start going to church regularly with my family again. Yes, this will work. I know God will lead me on the right path, he's just testing my faith right now. That's all it is.