Out of My Control [bxb]

Chapter 15

After the party and dropping Alyssa off at her house, my mind was reeling on my way home.

I'm so stupid! Why did I have sex with her? I didn't want that. I fucking want Grayson! I want Grayson so fucking badly it hurts. I didn't a hundred percent understand how strong my feelings for him were until last night. It should've been with Grayson. "Fuck!" I yelled.

I'm so angry! I'm angry that I let Alyssa get to me! Angry I didn't do more to stop it! Angry I had sex for the first time and it was with someone I didn't love! Losing my virginity should've been my thing! Instead, Alyssa made it her thing, and I'm never going to have that moment back! 

But most of all, I'm angry at myself for pushing Grayson away!

My anger morphs to shame, and the feeling of it is a drooping sludge dripping down my chest. Feeling so unbelievably ashamed of myself comes with unwanted tears. My vision blurs. This isn't good considering it's already raining outside. The more I drive, the harder the rain falls, the harder my tears fall. By the time I pull up into my driveway, I don't get out. Not cause it was pouring rain, cause I don't want to be home.

Fuck it. I want Grayson. And if he still wants me even after all the shit I put him through, then I don't give a damn about anyone else. I want to be happy and stop feeling so goddamn anxious all the time.

I wipe my eyes and reverse out of my driveway. And drive to the only place I want to be, Grayson's.

Pulling into his driveway, I get out, not caring about the rain drenching me and my clothes. I sprint to Grayson's front door and bang on it three times.

It takes a minute before Grayson opens the door, looking at me bewildered. "Reid?" He looks behind me as if just now realizing it's pouring rain outside. "Jesus, Reid you're soaking wet," Grayson scolds me then reaches for what looks like a sweatshirt on the hooks behind him, pulls me into his house, and drapes the un-zipped hoodie around me to stop my shivering. "You do realize it's pouring rain outside, ri- are you crying?" Grayson asks looking worried as he shuts his front door.

"I'm sorry," I sob and can't stop the word spill, "I-It was a mistake and I hated every second of it, but she kept pestering me and made me feel degraded saying every guy my age wants to, but I didn't! At least not with her, and-"

"Woah, Woah, Reid slow down. What are you talking about?"

I hesitated, feeling horribly guilty, "I had sex with her."

"Oh," Grayson murmurs, his expression unreadable but he takes a step back from me. Pain and guilt radiates through my heart stronger than before. 

"I'm sorry," I tell him again as I move closer to him.

Grayson shrugs it off and turns around to walk into the kitchen. I follow him. "Why are you sorry? She's your girlfriend."

"Because... because I- We-"

"We? There is no 'we', per your instructions," he says harshly.

My head falls in my hands. I know Grayson's right. Us two not being together is my fault and I have no right being over here. "I know. I'm just... so confused. I couldn't even..." Am I really about to tell him this? "I couldn't get it up for Alyssa. Cause she wasn't... you." I look up at Grayson to see his eyebrows raised. I blush fiercely and cover my face again. "God, that's so embarrassing, but it's the truth and I don't understand why I'm attracted to you. I haven't even known you for that long!"

It's unbearably silent so I remove my hands to see if Grayson left me. Surprisingly, he didn't, it looks like he's deep in thought. "You're one messed up teenager, you know that?" Grayson says, lightheartedly.