In Too Deep

Chapter 17

I froze in his arms, a dizzying feeling washing over me as he pulled me in ever closer, holding me tight to his chest.

Instagram? What was he thinking? "Are you really sure this was a good idea Shan?" I pulled my head from his shoulder so we could at least have eye contact for this conversation.

"You know you like your privacy. This'll blow that out of the water," I warned. "Let me see what you've posted." I made a grab for his phone but he held it out of my reach. "Shan! C'mon you must let me see... y'know it'll affect me as well as you," I pleaded, leaning across his body. He smiled, watching my arms stretching out towards his phone. His arm held me at bay. "Ask nicely and maybe ....," he teased. Then, with a smile playing on his lips: "Or how about kiss me and I hand over my phone and the password." His eyes locked on my mine waiting for an answer.

I let out a nervous laugh. "You drive a hard bargain Leto but you're forgetting something." I reached into my pocket for my phone. "I'm following you on Instagram Shan, remember?" I pulled away from him and keyed in my password, holding my breath. One click and Instagram popped up on my screen. I could feel my breathing slow and the dizziness return as I scrolled down the screen. And then ... there we were. The photo showed Shannon's eyes gazing into the camera with his arms wrapped around my back and his fingers splayed in my hair. You couldn't see my face and I hoped my white T-shirt was anonymous enough not to identify me. His words underneath read: 'Guess what! Early birthday present'.

I so desperately wanted to be mad with him but part of me melted when I saw his eyes in the photo. They were hooded and looking up into the camera lens, while his lips were buried in my hair. "It's a beautiful photo," I murmured, closing the distance between the two of us. "I love it ... I just wish maybe you'd asked me before posting." I stood on tiptoes and gently kissed the corner of his lips, running my fingers across his stubble.

"And if I'd asked .... ?" He let the question hang in the air. "You would have said no Lexy. Anyway, I don't think anyone'll know it's you."

But I knew this wasn't the problem we were now facing. "Shan this photo's gonna go viral and you know they'll stop at nothing to find out my identity. " I felt quite sick at the thought of the impending chaos that his post was likely to cause. "And you'll have the paparazzi on your back," I warned, rubbing my fingers across his calloused palms. "You're not making things easy for us," I sighed.

"Look at me Lexy." He cupped my chin and raised my face to his. "You know how close I came to fucking up and losing you." I watched him search for the words to continue. "This is just my way, however crazy, of telling everyone that I'm happy with someone I care deeply about."

He bit down on his bottom lip, looking for a response to his admission. Words weren't my strong point in these situations; instead I trailed my fingers across his neck until they tangled with his hair. "Give me space and time Shannon," I whispered. "Things .... they're complicated at the moment." But as the words came out, I realised time was running out and that the space I needed would be hard to find.

I could see the hurt in his eyes and it burned into me like a flame through snow. "Shan, there are things I need to sort out." I looked at the doubt and hurt in his eyes and walked away, afraid to look back. "I'll let myself out." I unlocked the door and walked into the cool evening air. I felt a sob escape my lips, unable to forget the look in his eyes. How could I say the love word to Shannon when I'd allowed myself to be turned by his brother?

**************

I put my key in the lock and turned it, shoving open the door with my hip while balancing files in one hand and a bag of shopping in the other.

I walked slowly, careful not to drop anything on my way into the kitchen. Jess was waiting, two glasses of red wine balanced perfectly in either hand as she watched me approach. I placed the files on the counter top and dropped the bag on the floor. I held my hand out and accepted the glass. "Thanks Jess," I sighed, gesturing to our favourite sofa in the den. "Let's sit down so I can think through everything." I'd already called ahead, breaking my heart to Jess while explaining everything that had happened between myself and Shannon: the Instagram post, his feelings for me, the look of hurt on his face and me walking out on him.