How I became a Successful Business Woman from being Unsuccessful in Love...

Chapter 12

"Hey, you there? Why aren't you talking to me? " said one of Enrique's many messages.

"Why are you angry with me? We are still friends, right?" One more message.

"Okay, I am sorry. Let's catch up." One more message.

"I am not feeling well. Are you there?" One more message.

"I love you. Just meet me once. " One more message

One more, and one more, and one more...And since that day when I last talked to him, I never replied... because none of his messages till the very end said what I wanted to hear from him... none of his messages gave me any reason to believe that he regretted what he did to me... none of the messages showed me that he would not hurt me again... none of his messages talked directly to my heart...

"I understood that people don't always build walls around their hearts to keep others out. It is done out of necessity to protect whatever is left within. "

I waited for him to demonstrate what our love meant to him; that he would declare his love for me in front of everyone and show his true intentions through actions; that he would do something significant enough to make up for all the pain he had caused me and be there for me throughout my life. I waited for him to fulfil all his promises that he made to me... to be true to all the words he said in the name of love... However, all of his messages... and all of his actions... were full of lies.

So now I am protecting myself ... I am protecting myself from him ... because I have to save my heart, whatever is left of it anyway ... and if I kept in touch with him ...

And now, after the storm has passed, I can feel the damage it has done because now I have time to overlook the things that happened in such a short span of time and changed my life forever.

I am still mourning the things I have lost... but mourning is the only way I can handle the pain of accepting that what is lost is lost and will never return. I lost my grandfather. No matter how much I cry or what I do, no power in this universe can bring him back to me. And the sooner I accept it, the better it is for me... and death is the universal truth, and people have to accept it.

And I have to mourn one more thing, which is my relationship with Enrique, which is dead now, and this is the one affecting me the most because it's directly attacking all my beliefs that I once held dear... Beliefs that make me who I am...

I simply didn't understand what had happened. I loved and trusted someone, and then it was all over in one day, out of the blue. I am still in shock. It took me a lot of time to wake up and realise that it had happened, and nobody could reverse it, which made it worse. I thought that because he loved me, he would never hurt me. I forgot that people who love us have more power over us, so it hurts like hell when they do something wrong. And I felt like I put everything in my life into that relationship, and it's hard for me to accept that relationship is no longer there. I just can not be without him. It's been my world, my life. And I was desperate for answers... I was shocked at how this could happen to me... My drive to know the unknown became consuming.

I wanted to understand; I wanted to know the answers. All my rational thoughts are gone. I was not able to focus on anything else other than the need to understand why this happened to me when, in fact, this answer was outside of anyone's ability to explain to me. I was fixated on things Enrique said to me at various points in the past that I saw as contradicting the break-up. All my time was spent recalling all the moments we had, good and bad, and yet somewhere within, I now have moments of clarity, too.

I funnelled every last hope into saving it, even at the expense of my well-being. I postpone my need to grieve its end because it's just too painful for me to face. By doing this, I temporarily stop the grieving process by replacing it with an overly optimistic hope that he will come back and all our dreams will come true.