if only | ha yoonbin

9

Dain's POV

The day continued and Yoonbin got more and more rebellious as time passed. He would often sleep in language class and use his phone despite so many warnings.

" Ha Yoonbin! The discipline master is outside looking at you. Do you want to go out and have a chat with him? " Miss Park asked.

He sat back up with his tired eyes and I rolled my eyes. Even though I do like him but it pissed me off when his attitude got worse.

He also got even more rude to his teachers.

When class dismissed, I went up to his class to wait for Hana since they're in the same class. The moment I entered, " Let's go. " He nudged Hyunsuk who was playing his phone.

" I told you to leave just now but you kept on saying wait and when I'm playing my game, you said you want to leave. " Yoonbin didn't budge.

He took his bag and walked out of the room, leaving poor Hyunsuk alone. I heard him sigh as he grabbed his bag, walking behind Yoonbin.

It might just be a small action but to me, it made me feel so bad. I felt as if he didn't want to see me, it was as if he wanted to avoid me.

And i don't like it.

Months passed and soon, the year ended again. It made me feel really sad that I wouldn't be able to see him for a few months but yet I felt glad.

Throughout that few months, I can't even remember Yoonbin even exist. It's better for my wellbeing but yet, when I finally remembered him, I got nervous again.

When school starts, I was really nervous. It was as if there's a generation of butterflies flying up and down my tummy continuously.

Since this year started, I would often have this habit that I complete my work in school before I actually go home.

Since I wasn't really efficient at home, I tend to complete my work before I actually leave the school so that I would be more relax at home.

Suddenly this year, both of our economy class are combined into one and I got so stressed out. I felt that being in the same class as him was okay but I just felt ugly.

It made me feel so self conscious of myself whenever I see him and his friends.

They seem so cool and popular while i'm lame and unpopular. I'm just in a whole new different world from theirs and I can't communicate with them no matter how hard I try.

While I was on my way to school with Hana, Hyunsuk and Yoonbin were behind us. " What? You like? " I heard Hyunsuk exclaimed.

Since Hana is more interactive with them and she's way more extroverted than most people, also they're in the same class. I suspected he likes Hana.

He don't interact much with girls but he did for a period of time with Hana.

You know how when you have a crush on someone but you don't know much about him, so you just wanted to find out his zodiac sign to kinda see?

I found out he's a Sagittarius and have the same birthday as my friend.

I anonymously messaged him myself.

" Is today your birthday? if it is, happy birthday. "

I messaged him and soon later, he replied.

" So what if it is? " He replied on his story.

When my friends saw, they were pretty pissed off. They complained about how rude sounding he is and how he wasn't appreciative of someone knowing it's his birthday.

Well, I half agree, half disagree.

Every single day from now, whenever I go to school I would always see him and his friends walking in a group and it made me feel so self conscious.

I always felt as if i'm a nobody compared to his friends and him.

Days passed and there's this one day where I swear I thought he went home but apparently he didn't. I was doing my work and I heard a familiar voice.

" If you want to tell her, tell her now before it's too late. " I heard Hyunsuk telling him from afar and I ignored.

Suddenly, his friends started teasing Yoonbin.

" Hey! It's your girlfriend! It's your girlfriend! " They teased his even harder than before as more of them joined in.

" Who's girlfriend? " Someone asked and they pointed at Yoonbin. I looked around the cafeteria and no one else was left there except me and my friends.

To be real, I'm always someone who have really lose self confidence and I would always over think in the bad way.

Whenever i'm with Eunchae and Hana I just felt so self conscious because they're better than me in almost every aspects.

I feel really ugly whenever i'm in public areas or even when i'm in my own room, I would just suddenly feel like i'm ugly.

Maybe he do like Hana.

When he walked past our table, " Shut up. " I heard his said to his friends and they just walked off.

I didn't think too much about it. Maybe I thought wrong or maybe I'm just overthinking things.

Throughout the whole day, I didn't care much to be frank. There's a little part of me that wish it's giving me hope but yet, it's too good to be true.

The next day, before PE I would put my belongings in the class before I leave for PE. Since one of his friend was in my class and we have the same PE lesson on that day, he would look for him.

" It Scared me. " He said when he saw me.

His friends chuckled a little, " Then you should cover your face and walk past her. " One of his friend said, covering the side of his face that I was at.

Yoonbin looked over at me with a smirk and my inner trigger was pulled. I rolled my eyes at him and I walked past him.

It's just a small action but somehow it made me feel so so self conscious. It's not about this particular incident but it's more like everything combining together.

I felt like i would always get beaten down so easily but yet I don't know.

I didn't want to give myself hope but yet there's a part of me that wishes to give myself hope.

Do you know how tough it is to like someone who you feel like is too cool for you?

26th Jan 2019

:( i feel so so self conscious around him.

actually this incident just happened recently like a few days ago and i got really too tired to even bother about it. They kept teasing him whenever i'm there and Im just high key scared that they found out about the confession.

i'm so sorry that i'm so self conscious in this chapter especially :( but this is my true thoughts