if only | ha yoonbin

30

Dain's POV

let me just say, 10th May 2019 sucks.

I fell sick a day before the exam and I studied like crap for History, ditching Maths and for History, there's two questions to choose from and I wrote a and b but forgotten to write 1 or 2.

During the exam, my fever got worse and I couldn't focus on my Maths paper. I made so many careless mistakes that I wouldn't usually and I skipped so many questions.

I don't know how but I entered the exam venue sweating but half way through, I started freezing and my mind felt as if it was moving back and forth and then my body became really warm and I started sweating even more.

I literally was just thinking of going home so badly during the exam. I was so uncomfortable, my head hurts, my throat hurts, my nose is causing discomfort and my cough, oh boy.

Most of y'all are here for the Yoonbin right? Let me tell you a little story that happened today.

He sat pretty near to my seat during exams and today he walked past my desk to go to the other side which is normal I'd say since I think it has the most space?

He was about to pass through when the girl in front of me pushed the chair backwards, causing him to be shook and he flinched since he got blocked.

I stared at him in awkwardness and he just like, um.

Also, the day before I was heading back to my seat when he stare and I turned to face him. He was shook and he looked back down again.

Anyways, so I was feeling so uncomfortable during the exams. I became so careless, so clumsy and I was literally dying on the inside.

I wanted to give up and just not do anymore but I know I will regret it even more.

I wasn't really supposed to go to school for the exam today, especially since I fell ill so it wouldn't really be fair but I studied really hard for History and I wouldn't want it to go to waste.

Honestly, I hate it so much when exams ended and people are discussing about the answer. They would be getting a nice whole number of let's say 5 and I'd get the answer 0.7197272 like, there's no link.

I literally was telling my friends that I need to meet the history teacher and none of them seem to notice my existence at that moment.

Also, another thing that happened which could be rather sensitive but my monthly came during my paper.

My lucky charm is pretty weird, it's blood.

Anyways, the moment I stood up I could see a whole new world. I literally ran to the washroom but thank god, I wore that little cotton in case.

Anyways, enough of this little red journey.

The walk home was terrible. When you're suffering from a headache, being under the sun is the worst choice ever.

I was walking home with my friends and the sun was glaring. Somehow I was the only person sweating like crazy while everyone seem normal.

My head hurts so bad and I tried walking in a straight line but I kept moving to the left and the right. Basically like a drunkard.

When I got home, I got really emotional. I started tearing up because I know i'm going to flunk my Maths paper for sure.

My tuition teacher kinda discourage me these days and I used to like having Maths tuition but nowadays, I dreaded going for tuition.

I cried like a baby because I know for a fact, I have an expectation for myself. My parents aren't typical asian parents that needs their child to get As but my parents want us to put in the hard work.

I know myself well and I know that I didn't put in all my effort. I'm just disappointed in myself because I know I could do these questions.

When I saw my Maths teacher and he asked me about the paper, I literally told him I'd fail it.

Sometimes, I really hate to be around my friends. Yes, a snake and whatever but I feel so stressful around them. They would always be complaining that they would fail but they did well.

In the end, i'm the one that failed.

My friends are all from a better class and I guess, they are all smart people while I, i'm pretty dumb I'd say. I can't really do well in studies.

I know my friends mean no harm but whenever they cry in school about not doing well, I just didn't know how to react especially when I score worse than them.

I'm always the more positive one in terms of this kinda thing, in front of them. It kinda sucks when people assume you have no problem in life.

In actual fact, within all of them, I'm the one that is the most pessimistic. I wouldn't say i'm an extreme pessimist but I just know for a fact that I wouldn't do well at all.

My parents told me it's fine to mess up this paper since it's just the mid term exam but i'm someone who is afraid of failure.

My friends have the habit of asking people for their marks, sometimes they would even pester them for it and me being me, I would act like i'm all fine and calm but i'm not exactly that.

I know they didn't mean it and stuff but when you said something right and they are doubtful of it, it really hurt your feelings.

All my friends are scoring well, able to get good results while I on the other hand isn't doing well in any way. I lost all motivation to study and it's hard to pick myself up again.

Today was a horrific incident for me. Whenever I closed my eyes I would think of it and I would feel uneasy and a disappointment and I couldn't sleep so i'm here now.

I have exams for the next week and I didn't do any studying today because I slept the whole day.

I really wish I could be smart and talented like them. They are always well-liked by people and that is something I feel like I can't do.

All of my friends even those outside of school are doing extremely well. They would be getting single digit scores and in my country, the lower the better.

Areum got a 7 and the maximum for most people is a 6. Eunchae is doing pretty well, so is Hana and Jaera. Hana don't really have to study and she'll do well regardless.

The two dudes are good at almost every subjects as well so there's just me who struggles to even do well in one subject.

I laid on my bed, writing this story now. I'm really thankful you guys still read this fanfic even though Yoonbin don't appear much now.

This book, instead became my daily diary.

Thank you anyways.

10th May 2019